Joke campuran

[g.citra]

 [at] vathena...

...

[vathena]

hwahahahhaaahhahaha..

[vathena]

Kok Bisa Tahu

Pada suatu saat di Piala Dunia, Indonesia bertemu Brasil di final. Indonesia menang telak 10-0 dari Brasil. Karena malu sang kapten Ronaldo dan wakil kapten Ronaldinho, mereka berdua menyamar agar tidak digebuki oleh masyarakat Brasil yang kecewa.

Hari Pertama:

Ronaldinho menyamar jadi ibu-ibu, lalu dia bertemu dengan nenek-nenek dan nenek-nenek itu bertanya, "Kamu Ronaldinho kan?." Lalu dengan sekejap Ronaldinho pun lari terbirit-birit.

Hari Kedua:

Ronaldinho menyamar kembali, sekarang menjadi tukang jualan makanan, dan lagi-lagi dia bertemu dengan nenek-nenek itu. Nenek-nenek itu kemudian bertanya lagi, "Kamu Ronaldinho kan?." Lalu Ronaldinho pun lari lagi.

Pada Hari Ketiga:

Ronaldinho dengan penuh percaya diri dia menyamar jadi nenek-nenek juga, dan dia bertemu lagi dengan nenek-nenek tersebut, dan terjadi percakapan.

Nenek-nenek: "Kamu Ronaldinho kan???"

Ronaldinho : (Dengan tampang menyerah) "Iyah gue Ronaldinho, kok bisa tahu?? Emang eloe siapa..?"

Nenek-nenek: "Gue Ronaldo g****k..!!!"

[g.citra]

Ronaldinho : wualahhh... koq bisa "Sama"

Nenek-nenek: " #$%$^&&*"...   

[vathena]

 [at] g.citra

wkakwkakwakwa,sep dagh

[vathena]

Penyebab Keributan Di Kebun Binatang

Suatu hari di kebun binatang ragunan terjadi keributan yang melibatkan sekelompok anak muda dan pengawas kebun binatang.

"Mereka menyebabkan keributan yang menggemparkan di kebun binatang, pak," kata pengawas kebun binatang.

"Heii.. kalian anak muda!!," kata Si Hakim dengan tegas, "Aku tidak pernah senang mendengar laporan tentang kejahatan remaja. Sekarang aku ingin setiap orang dari kalian menyebutkan nama dan kesalahan yang telah kalian lakukan."

Setelah itu anak-anak muda tersebut mulai menyebutkan namanya masing-masing.

"Namaku Panji," kata pemuda yang pertama," dan aku melempar Kacang ke dalam kandang gajah."

"Namaku Kodar," kata pemuda yang kedua," dan aku melempar Kacang ke dalam kandang gajah."

"Namaku Bari," kata pemuda yang ketiga," dan aku melempar Kacang ke dalam kandang gajah."

"Namaku Kacang," kata pemuda yang keempat."

[g.citra]

Hakim berpikir : "Sama"...

Hasil sidang : " #$%$^&&*"...

[at] vathena...

+1 to u... (have sent)

[vathena]

 [at] g.citra

vathena : "thank you GRP sent too."
g.citra : "sama"

hohoho

[Xzone]

Alkisah, dalam suatu kesempatan Marilyn Monroe berbicara dengan Einstein, "Hai, Einstein. Kenapa kita tidak menikah saja? Kelak nanti anak kita akan cantik seperti saya dan pintar seperti kamu." Einstein menjawab ringan, "Kamu benar. Tapi bagaimana jika anak kita nanti buruk seperti saya dan bodoh seperti kamu?"

[Lily W]

Doa seorang bocah

Seorang bocah yang sangat ingin melanjutkan sekolah,tetapi orang tuanya tidak mempunyai uang untuk membiayai sekolahnya..
Lagipula ibunya yang sedang sakit membutuhkan biaya untuk membeli obat. Akhirnya dia memutuskan untuk menulis surat kepada Tuhan :

Kepada Yth
Tuhan
di Surga

Tuhan yang baik, saya mau melanjutkan sekolah, tapi orang tua saya tidak punya uang. Ibu saya juga sedang sakit, mau beli obat. Tuhan saya butuh uang Rp 20.000 utk beli obat ibu, Rp 20.000 untuk membayar uang sekolah, Rp 10.000 untuk membayar uang seragam, dan  uang buku Rp 10.000.
Jadi semuanya Rp 60.000*

Terima kasih Tuhan, saya tunggu kiriman uangnya.

Dari: Rio

Rio pun pergi ke kantor pos untuk mengirim suratnya. Membaca
tujuan surat tersebut, petugas kantor pos merasa iba melihat Rio,
sehingga tidak tega untuk mengembalikan suratnya. Bingung
mau di kemanakan surat itu, akhirnya petugas pos itu
menyerahkannya ke kantor polisi terdekat.*

*Membaca isi surat itu, Komandan polisi merasa iba dan
tergerak hatinya utk menceritakan hal tsb kepada anak buahnya.
Walhasil, para polisi pun mengumpulkan dana utk diberikan ke Rio, tetapi dana yang terkumpul Hanya Rp 55.000,- *

*Sang Komandan pun memasukan uang yang terkumpul ke dalam amplop, menuliskan keterangan: "Dari Tuhan di Surga" dan menyerahkan ke anak buahnya utk di kembalikan ke Rio .

*Menerima uang tsb, Rio merasa sangat senang permintaannya
  terkabul, walaupun yang diterima hanya Rp 55.000,-. Rio pun
bergegas mengambil kertas dan pensil, dan mulai menulis
surat lagi.

"TUHAN LAIN KALI KALO MAU KIRIM UANG, JANGAN LEWAT
POLISI, KARENA KALO LEWAT POLISI DI POTONG RP 5.000,- *Polisi: GUBRAKKKK...

[Lily W]

 Si kecil Joni diperintahkan Papa pergi ke kamarnya dan
segera tidur. Lima menit kemudian

Joni: "Pa..."
Papa: "Ada apa?"
Joni: "Joni haus Pa. Bawain air dong"
Papa: "Tidak. Jangan pakai alasan itu. Ayo tidur! Matiin lampunya"

Lima menit kemudian

Joni: "Pa.....!"
Papa: "ADA APA LAGI!"
Joni: "Joni HAUS. Aku boleh minum ya"
Papa: "Kan Papa sudah bikang tidak! Kalau kamu ngomong lagi,
Papa akan pukul Pantatmu!"

Lima menit kemudian

Joni: "Paaaaa..... "
Papa: "APA!!!!!!!"
Joni: "Kalo papa kemari mau mukul pantat Joni, sekalian bawain
airnya ya Pa"

------------ --------- -------

Mama: "Joni, sini!"
Joni: "Ada apa Ma?"
Mama" "Kamu benar-benar bikin Mama kecewa. Nilaimu kok makin
jelek aja!"
Joni: "Tapi Ma, penerimaan Rapor kan baru besok"
Mama: "Mama tau. Tapi Mama besok mau belanja ke Singapur, jadi
sekarang aja Mama marahin kamu!"

------------ --------- -------

Papa: "Joni! Kenapa nilai matematikamu jelek?"
Joni: "Abisnya Pa, Senin kemaren guru bilang 3+5 = 8"
Papa: "Lantas kenapa?"
Joni: "Hari Selasa bu guru bilang 4 + 4 = 8. Hari Rabu dia
bilang 6 + 2 = 8. Kalo bu guru ngomongnya beda-beda begitu,
gimana Joni tau mana yang benar?"

------------ --------- -------

Guru: "Joni, berapa tahun umur ayahmu?"
Joni: "Sama dengan umur saya Bu Guru"
Guru" "Kok bisa sama?"
Joni: "Dia kan baru jadi ayah sejak saya lahir bu guru"

------------ --------- -------

Guru: "Joni, kenapa isi karanganmu yang berjudul "Anjingku"
sama persis dengan isi karangan kakakmu? Kamu nyontek ya!"
Joni: "Nggak Bu. Anjingnya yang sama"

------------ --------- -------

Papa: "Gurumu bilang kamu ini nggak bisa diajari apapun!"
Joni: "Itu makanya Joni bilang dia nggak berguna Pa!"

------------ --------- -------

Guru: "Kamu lahir di mana?"
Joni: "Di Kalimantan Pak"
Guru: "Bagian mana?"
Joni: "Seluruh bagian badan saya Pak"

------------ --------- -------

Guru: "Kenapa rambutmu nggak di sisir?"
Joni: "Nggak punya sisir bu"
Guru: "Kan bisa kamu pakai punya ayahmu"
Joni: "Ayah nggak punya rambut Bu"

[ChangAn]

Wah joke saya byk nih, ini jokes yg saya kasih buat pujaan hati saya, tp ga tau loh udh ad yg post ato blm, byk bgt sih. Baca2 aja yah 

Suatu hr ada nenek2 yg sdg menyeberang jalan, hampir tertabrak motor
Pengendara motor : "Nenek bego!! Nyebrang jalan ga liat2 !!"
Nenek sewot : "Lo tuh yg bego!! Nabrak nenek2 aja ga kena !!"
Pengendara motor : "Weqs.."

One day The Devils challenged the Angels to a game of cricket.
We have got all the cricketers, said the Angels.
Devils replied : No problem, we have got all the umpires.

Phonebook Dilemma
Why r there no phonebooks in china?
Do u know?
Coz there is so many Wing's and Wong's
There ar afraid u will Wing the Wong number.

LiFe is aLL abT WakinG uP EaCh dAy tO diScoveR SoMethinG New,
abT MeetinG oLd PeopLe buT MakinG New CoNverSaTions,
WalkinG thru oLd RoaDs buT stiLL FeeLinG younG at hEarT,
MeeTinG busy Schedules buT stiLL Finding timE 4 oLd fRiends,
bEinG NostalGic by Gone dAys buT LookinG foRwarD to bEtteR dAys,
wanTinG 2 shooT de person Who SenT SucH a LonG MsG, buT stiLL MaNaGe 2 SmiLe?


Pada suatu hari 3 vampir lagi unjuk taring atas kehebatannya masing-masing dalam hal menghisap darah dan membunuh mangsa.

"Kebetulan nih malem dingin banget, gue jadi laper neh" celetuk vampir pertama.
"Gimana kalo kita adu kekuatan, siapa yang paling cepet ngisep darah" tanya vampir kedua..
"Okeh...!!!"
"Gue duluan" kata vampir pertama...

Lalu...whuuusssss...vampir pertama melesat..gak lama, selang lima menit dia kembali lagi dengan muka penuh darah dan sambil berkata.."lo liat gak kota dibawah sono??"
"Iya liat" kata vampir dua & tiga
"Semua penduduknya udah pada tewas, gue isep darahnya!!"

Aahh, belom seberapa, neh liat gue..dan vampir kedua pun melesat tajam..selang tiga menit, diapun kembali dengan wajah belepotan darah, sambil berkata...
"Lo liat kampung dibawah sana?? semua penduduknya dah pada tewas gue isep darahnya!!"

"Aahh kecil, neh liat gue!!" vampir ketiga pun terbang melesat tajam... dan gak sampe satu menit dia sudah kembali dengan darah diseluruh muka... dan dia berkata "Lo liat tiang listrik dibawah sono??"
"Iya..iya liat..."
"Sialaaan..gue kagak liat!! T_T


Hyuda suatu hari sedang membaca emailnya, dan ada artikel menarik ttg cara berkenalan dgn ce.
Seperti berikut:
Hyuda : "Hai sorry ganggu. Kamu punya obeng ngga?"
Ce : "Ha? Ngak.."
Hyuda : "Tapi kalo no hp punya kan?"

Akhirnya dengan pedenya Hyuda ingin langsung mempraktekan rayuan maut tsb. Dan..Di suatu taman..
Hyuda : "Hai sorry ganggu. Kamu punya obeng ngga?"
Ce : "Punya.. Mau yg plus ato yg minus?"

Hyuda : "Eh?! ..ngg.. yg minus aja d.. Kalo palu punya nga?"
Ce : "Punya juga.. nih.."

Hyuda : "(Damn..)?? Kalo kunci inggris ada nga?" (dengan harapan ce itu menjawab tidak)
Ce : "Oo.. Itu juga ada.. Mau ukuran brp?"

Hyuda : "(buset..)..DAAMMN..!! To the point aja d. Kamu punya no hp nga?"
Ce : "Oo..ini..(sambil menyodorkan kartu nama) Kalau mas butuh perkakas, hubungi saya aja. Saya kebetulan di bagian Ace Hardware. Pusat perkakas terlengkap."
Hyuda : "....nasib.." (sambil pergi dgn tertunduk lesu)

[Anestan]

100 Great Reasons It's Great To Be A Guy

1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3) You know stuff about tanks.

4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5) Monday Night Football.

6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

You can open all your own jars.

9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.

10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.

13) All your orgasms are real.

14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15) Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).

16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

17) You understand why Stripes is funny.

18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19) Your last name stays put.

20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

22) You can kill your own food.

23) The garage is all yours.

24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

27) You never have to clean a toilet.

28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

32) your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

33) The National College Cheerleading Championship.

34) You don't have to shave below your neck.

35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.

38) You can write your name in the snow.

39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

41) Chocolate is just another snack.

42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.)

43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

44) Flowers fix everything.

45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.

51) Foreplay is optional.

52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.

56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58) You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.

59) You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.

60) The world is your urinal.

61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.

62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64) One mood, all the time

65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.

67) you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

69) Same work...more pay!

70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.

74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

75) You don't mooch off others' desserts.

76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.

78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

79) ESPN's SportsCenter.

80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

81) Bachelor parties kick butt over bridal showers.

82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.

86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "~censored~ it."

88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.

94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.

95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.

98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"

99) Baywatch

100) There's always a game on somewhere.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING A GUY

1) You have to take out the garbage.

2) The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.

3) No sofas in your restrooms.

4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

5) Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.

6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.

7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.

You have to wear ties.

9) You can't flirt your way out of a jam.

10) "Women and children first."

NB. kalau kurang enak dibacanya... hapus aja..

[Anestan]

You think English is easy?


1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

...and if you think these are hard to work out, just think about other words in the English language that sound the same, but are spelt different, like :

maid & made - read & reed - need & knead - red & read - no & know -fore & four

...and then there are words that are spelt the same and sound different, like :

read(reed) & read(red) etc.

Yes, it's a very confusing language...

nb. saya post di joke ya.. kalau ga sesuai moved aja gpp...

[Tia]

Selamat Membaca Kisah nyata si Mona   

Ketika Bencong Jatuh Cintrong..                                          


Nama katepe maulana                                                     
Tapi panggil aja akika, mona                                             
Kapster tercucok di salon demplon                                       
Cepak atau sasak?                                                       
Semua akika gasak                                                       
Meni-pedi?                                                               
Setengah jam langsung jadi                                               
Tujuan hidup?                                                           
Sebelom akika mati, pingin punya istri..                                 

Suatu pagi ya Booo..                                                     
Datang gak diundang.. (jelangkung kaleee..)                             
Cewek toge pasar                                                         
Muka blasteran gado-gado indo menado                                     
Minta pesyel spesyial sama akika                                         
Begitu ngedeketin,fuuuh..                                            
Wangi si nyong-nyong menyerbu napas                                       
Bikin akika balik lagi jadi lekong                                        
Si otong langsung tegak kayak monas                                     
Begerak-gerak mirip odong-odong                                         

Kayaknya ini cintrong pertama                                            
Ini gak ngomong lebay,                                                   
Soalnya ini juga pertama kali akika bisa nepsong sama yang bukan lekong                                                    
Akika takut terlambreta                                                 
Langsung aja akika nyelonong                                             
Suara di lekong-lekongin.
"eheeemm.. nama gue maulana, di sini aja pake nama mona.."               
Si toge pasar ngelirik genit.:                                           
"masak yey gak kenal akika sihh booo, akika susi susantoo temen mangkal yey dulu di taman lawaaang.."                                   
Akika cuma bisa bengong..                                               
Ternyata masih aja lontong ketemu lontong..                              
Hati akika makin sekong..                                               
Makin kosong...