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Author Topic: Some jokes in english  (Read 83466 times)

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Offline Indra

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Whats Matter Honey...?
« Reply #120 on: 28 January 2010, 10:05:22 PM »
A wife awoke early one morning to the sounds of her husband angrily banging around pots and pans in the kitchens.

When she goes downstairs, she sees that he is looking for something to eat but, more importantly, is very upset about something.


"What's the problem, darling? Didn't your program work?"

"It worked. I wrote that code until the wee hours of the morning, and it worked!"


"Then what's the matter? Were there a lot of bugs in it?"

"I took special pains to eliminate the bugs. It worked, and it worked perfectly!"


"So what's wrong?"

"I was so tired when I finished, I decided to take a little nap, just for a few minutes."


"Did you not sleep well? Did you have a nightmare?" the concerned wife inquired.

"No, I slept perfectly well ... with my head on the backspace key."

Offline Lex Chan

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #121 on: 09 April 2010, 12:09:10 AM »
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it...'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it! :o
“Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway”
-Mother Teresa-

Offline Lex Chan

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #122 on: 09 April 2010, 12:10:00 AM »
I stopped at Mc Donald's and ordered some fries.

The girl behind the counter said "would you like some fries with that?"  :))
“Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway”
-Mother Teresa-

Offline Lex Chan

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #123 on: 12 April 2010, 01:25:21 AM »
Politician: “Step right up here voter. Let me tell you what I’m going to do for you. First you need to lend me a hundred dollars.”

Voter: “But will I get my money back?"

Politician: “Sure! Lend me a hundred bucks, but only give me fifty now. That way, you’ll owe me fifty bucks, I’ll owe you fifty bucks, and we’ll call it even.”  8-} 8-} 8-}
“Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway”
-Mother Teresa-

Offline Lex Chan

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #124 on: 25 February 2011, 11:45:50 AM »
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
“Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway”
-Mother Teresa-

Offline No Pain No Gain

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #125 on: 25 February 2011, 11:59:43 AM »
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

humanitarian eats compassion and affection ;D
No matter how dirty my past is,my future is still spotless

Offline Indra

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #126 on: 25 February 2011, 12:02:45 PM »
humanitarian eats compassion and affection ;D

you don't get the joke, humanitarian certainly eat humans

Offline bluppy

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #127 on: 15 September 2012, 01:40:00 PM »
This is an actual transcript of a radio conversation between a US Naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE; WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Offline bluppy

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #128 on: 15 September 2012, 01:49:20 PM »
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo,(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on he curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you
think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

=======================================================

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile,
they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the
engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake
-- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way."
I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers,
"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Offline bluppy

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #129 on: 15 September 2012, 02:12:35 PM »
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.

The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.

Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,
"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so.
"One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
The Pope slaps her.


Offline bluppy

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #130 on: 15 September 2012, 02:15:54 PM »
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down in the same row. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station.. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

Offline collins

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #131 on: 20 September 2012, 09:25:00 PM »
One day in a language school in Australia.

Teacher : "All right, now I'd like you to make a sentence using the
words
GREEN, PINK and YELLOW. Who'd like to try?"

A student raised his hand. It was Kukoya from Japan.
Kukoya : "Early this morning, I looked out the window, I saw the GREEN
grass and PINK roses in the garden. I went outside and I feel the warm
                YELLOW sunlight around me."
Teacher : "Not bad. Okay, who's next?"

Another student raised his hand. It was Ah Beng from Singapore.
Ah Beng : "I try! I try. Can aaah?"
Teacher : "No, no, not you!"
Ah Beng : "Aaaiiyaaa.. . let me try lah... I can do lah... you think I'm
stupid meeh..?"
Teacher : "Okay.. go ahead..."
Ah Beng : "This morning I heard the phone GREEEEEN... GREEEEEN... I PINK
up
and I said YELLOOOOW?"
Teacher : ??


 ^:)^ =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))

Offline bluppy

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #132 on: 20 October 2012, 05:39:59 PM »
How Many Forum Members Does It Takes To Change A Light Bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 to hijack the thread and ask how to change the horn

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Offline bluppy

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #133 on: 20 October 2012, 06:13:26 PM »
Obama; Putin and SBY went to see God.

Obama asked God "when will my country come out of recession".
"100 years," God said. Obama started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day".

Putin asked God "When will my country become prosperous?" "50 years," came the reply.
Putin also started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day"

Finally SBY asked God, "When will my country become corruption-free?" .God started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day"

Offline bluppy

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #134 on: 20 October 2012, 06:19:25 PM »
The World explained by 2 cows…

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.


COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.


FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.


BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.


VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.


A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.


A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.


A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.


A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.