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Offline Hikoza83

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #30 on: 27 September 2007, 08:45:05 AM »
Pilot (joke)

Pilot to tower,
"I'm 400 miles fromland, 500 feet over water & no fuel, please advice!"
Tower to Pilot, "Repeat after me, Innalilllahi wa'inna illaihi roji'un."  0:)
Aku akan melaksanakannya dengan tubuhku,
Karena apa gunanya hanya membaca kata-kata belaka?
Apakah mempelajari obat-obatan saja
Dapat menyembuhkan yang sakit?
[Bodhicaryavatara, Bodhisattva Shantideva]

Offline Hikoza83

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #31 on: 27 September 2007, 05:55:08 PM »
Remember me

If u need love please remember me,
if u need kiss please remember me,
if u need money please forget me...  :whistle:
Aku akan melaksanakannya dengan tubuhku,
Karena apa gunanya hanya membaca kata-kata belaka?
Apakah mempelajari obat-obatan saja
Dapat menyembuhkan yang sakit?
[Bodhicaryavatara, Bodhisattva Shantideva]

Offline F.T

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #32 on: 30 September 2007, 11:11:13 AM »
Why did The Chicken Cross The Road?


* KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

* PLATO: For the greater good.

* THE POPE: God knows.

* POLICEMAN: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll know why.

* ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

* SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

* CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

* MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.

* MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

* FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

* GEORGE W. BUSH (2): We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

* DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

* EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

* NELSON MANDELA: Never again, will the chicken be questioned for crossing the road. This is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.

* THABO MBEKI: We need to establish if really there is a connection between the chicken and the road.

* MUGABE: For all of these years the road has been owned by the white farmers, the poor underprivileged chicken has waited too long for that road to be given to him and now he is crossing it in force with his fellow war veteran chickens. We intend taking over this road and giving it to the roadless chickens so that they can cross it without fear of retribution from Britain who promised money to institute road reform. We will not stop until all roadless chickens have roads to cross and the freedom to cross them.

* ISAAC NEWTON: Any chicken in the universe shall always cross a road perpendicularly to the side of the road, and in an infinitely long straight line at uniform speed, unless the chicken stops due to an unbalanced reactive force in the opposite direction of the chicken’s motion.

* ZANU (PF) Spokesman: The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don’t even have a single chicken in our country as the whole world knows. All the chickens were bought and consumed by the long-suffering masses at give-away prices when we sent out our comrades to enforce what our enemies are now unpatriotically and maliciously referring to as the largest closing down sale in the world.

* JACOB ZUMA: I am gravely suspicious that this question is being asked with a malicious intention to trap me, send the Scorpions to raid my chicken run, haul me before the courts and charge me for sodomizing the chicken that walked across the road towards me as it was running away from an advancing light shower! Awuleth’ umshini wam’ ……..!!!



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Kasih Dharma Peduli ~ Anak Asuh
May all Beings Be Happy


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Offline F.T

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #33 on: 30 September 2007, 11:25:10 AM »
Seorang supir lagi nyetirin boss bule Amrik, kebetulan lagi sial. Mobilnya nyodok kendaraan di depannya karena mendadak berhenti.

Dengan terbata-bata ia minta maaf kepada si boss, “Sorry Sir, I brake brake, do not eat. After I check the wheel no flower again.” (Baca: maaf Tuan, saya rem-rem nggak makan, setelah saya cek rodanya nggak ada kembangannya lagi)

Begitu si Boss mau ikutan ribut sama yang ditabrak, supirnya nyeletuk, “Don’t follow mix, Sir! The bring that car if not wrong is the children fruit from manager money, he stupid no play! Let know taste.” (Baca: nggak usah ikut campur, Pak! Yang bawa mobil itu kalo nggak salah anak buah dari manajer keuangan, dia memang g****k bukan main! Biar tahu rasa)

Besoknya si supir gak masuk kerja, terus pas lusanya dia masuk si boss bule nanya, “Why didn’t you come to work?”

Si supir menjawab, “I am sorry boss, my body is not delicious, my body taste like enter the wind.” (Baca: maaf boss, badan saya tidak enak, badan saya rasanya seperti masuk angin)



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May all Beings Be Happy


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Offline Sumedho

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #34 on: 03 October 2007, 06:28:08 PM »
> > Crazy little things which makes Men's head BUZZZZZ.....

> > Three answers most scared by men
> > 1 (Whatever la)
> > Men: What to have for dinner?
> > Women: Whatever la..
> > Men: Why not we have steamboat?
> > Women: Don't want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face
> > Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine
> > ....... Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?
> > Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
> > Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea
> > Men: Then what you suggest?
> > Women : Whatever la..
> >
> > 2 (Anything la)
> >
> > Men: So what should we do now?
> > Women: Anything la...
> > Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie
> > Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only
> > Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?
> > Women: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tire meh?
> > Men: Then find a café and have drink
> > Women:! Drink coffee will affect my sleep
> > Men: Then what you suggest?
> > Women: Anything la
> >
> > 3 (You decide la)
> >
> > Men: Then we just go home lo
> > Women: You decide
> > Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
> > Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don't want la
> > Men: Ok we will take Taxi
> > Women: Not worth it la... for such a short distance
> > Men: Alright, then we walk lo. Take a slow walk
> > Women: What to walk with empty stomach woh?
> > Men: Then what you suggest?
> > Women: You decide
> > Men: Let's have dinner first
> > Women: Whatever la...
> > Men: Eat what?
> > Women: Anything la
> >
 ^^Want Kill Her Right???
There is no place like 127.0.0.1

Offline Hikoza83

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #35 on: 07 October 2007, 07:11:17 AM »
BUSH

A reporter asking president bush on a press conference
reporter: do you running for president again?
bush: Yes indeed
reporter: Why do you want to run again?
bush: hmmm...that part i'm still wotking on it
reporter: here's 20 buscks and buy yourself a clue
Aku akan melaksanakannya dengan tubuhku,
Karena apa gunanya hanya membaca kata-kata belaka?
Apakah mempelajari obat-obatan saja
Dapat menyembuhkan yang sakit?
[Bodhicaryavatara, Bodhisattva Shantideva]

Offline Lex Chan

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #36 on: 22 October 2007, 09:40:35 PM »
Most businesses like it that our credit-card machines' receipts read "Thank you, please come again" at the bottom. But one man asked if I could take it off. "Fine," I said. "Do you mind telling me why?"

It just seems rather inappropriate," he replied. "We're undertakers."

MICHELLE BALLARD
“Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway”
-Mother Teresa-

Offline oddiezz

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #37 on: 05 November 2007, 11:15:09 AM »
A paratrooper was scared to jump.

His instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, `Buddha oh Buddha' and you will be saved."

The paratrooper got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord.

So he said, "Buddha oh Buddha," and a hand came out and saved him.

He said, "Thank God," and he was dropped.


Eschew Obfuscation! Espouse Elucidation!

Offline Lex Chan

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #38 on: 07 November 2007, 05:29:43 PM »
from a friend's MSN Messenger status:

Artificial Intelligent is no match for natural stupidity... (Yanks)

=))
“Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway”
-Mother Teresa-

Offline uwi

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #39 on: 12 November 2007, 05:33:05 PM »
semoga pada tempatnya. via http://planet.terasi.net

Chicken Philosophy

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE  ROAD???

Plato:  For the greater good.

Aristotle:  To fulfill its nature on the other side.

Karl Marx:  It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli:  So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage   to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates:  Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada:  Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary:  Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Douglas Adams:  Forty-two.

Nietzsche:  Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Oliver North:  National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner:  Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung:  The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre:  In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein:  The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle:  To actualize its potential.

Howard Cosell:  It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history.  An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement
formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Salvador Dali:  The Fish.

Darwin:  It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson:  Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus:  For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe:  The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway:  To die.  In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg:  We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume:  Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein:  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson:  'Cause it (censored) wanted to.  That's the (censored) reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan:  Well,...................

John Sununu:  The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx:  You tell me.

Henry David Thoreau:  To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain:  The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Mishima:   For the beauty of it. The chicken's extension of its sinuous legs sent shivers of a dark despair into the souls not only of the silently watching hens but also the roosters, who felt a sudden sexual desire for their exquisite comrade.  The dark courage of the chicken was as beautiful as drops of dew upon jade at midnight, struck by a partial moon, its light filtered through clouds. One of the deeply aroused roosters could stand the intensity of the moment no more and bit off the head of the beautiful, courageous chicken-hero,
whose wine blood was deliciously drunken by the road, and he died.

Johnny Cochran:  The chicken didn't cross the road. Some chicken-hating, genocidal, lying public official moved the road right under the chicken's feet while he was practicing his golf swing and thinking about his family.

Camus:  The chicken's mother had just died.  But this did not really upset him, as any number of witnesses can attest.  In fact, he crossed just because the sun got in his eyes.

John Sununu (again):  I would argue that the chicken never crossed the road at all.  That it is a story concocted by the Clinton Administration to distract attention from their failed agriculture
policy. Where is the evidence that the chicken crossed the road? Where, Michael?

Michael Kinsley:  Oh, John, come on!  Everybody knows the chicken crossed the road.  What evidence do you need?  It's obvious that the chicken crossed the road.  Your whole argument is just a smoke and
mirror tactic to distract us from the fact that most chickens polled now back the Democratic Party.  You ought to be ashamed of yourself, John.

Siskel:  I don't know why it crossed the road, but I loved it.  Thumbs up!

Ebert:  I disagree.  The whole thing left the audience wondering; the chicken's crossing the road was never clearly explained and the chicken didn't emote very well.  It couldn't even speak English! Thumbs down.

Michael Kinsley:  But you both agree it did cross the road, right? See, John.  I'm right as usual.

 :)
"Etam mama, eso hamasmi, eso me atta 'ti."

Offline Lex Chan

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #40 on: 18 November 2007, 06:52:24 PM »
If practice makes perfect but nobody is perfect,then why practice? ^-^
(by yanks)
“Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway”
-Mother Teresa-

Offline oddiezz

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #41 on: 19 November 2007, 09:15:57 AM »
If practice makes perfect but nobody is perfect,then why practice? ^-^
(by yanks)

Nobody is perfect.
I am nobody.

Thus, I am perfect  :P
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Offline Lex Chan

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #42 on: 27 December 2007, 10:20:09 AM »
Young and pretty lady wishes to marry a rich guy. Fantastic reply from a financial person

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:
Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York . My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden, $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

----------

Here's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later. ^-^

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me.

signed,
J.P. Morgan
« Last Edit: 27 December 2007, 10:51:49 AM by Lex Chan »
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Offline oddiezz

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #43 on: 27 December 2007, 10:39:45 AM »
Walking on water

Three monks decided to practise meditation together. they sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.
When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my the other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.

Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.

After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"
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Offline oddiezz

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #44 on: 27 December 2007, 10:42:21 AM »
A pilot is flying three people in a private plane - a Tibetan lama, and Bill Gates (the smartest man in the world), and a hippie.
Suddenly the pilot announces to his three passengers: "I have bad news for you. The plane is going to crash.
We have to bail out now. Unfortunately, we have only three parachutes. And since I am a terrific pilot, and I don't see any reason why I should die, I am taking one of them. Good luck!" And with that, he jumped out of the plane.

Bill Gates said: "Since I am the smartest man in the world, and very valuable to civilization, I am also going to take a parachute and save myself."
And with that, he leapt out of the plane.

The lama said to the hippie: "I have already lived a long and fruitful life and have no need to live longer. Therefore, you may take the remaining parachute."
"Relax, mannnn," said the hippie, putting the parachute on to the lama's back.
"The smartest man in the world just strapped himself into my backpack."
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