[at] home, 09.21 PM, counting down 2 hours, 39 minutes..dunno how many seconds to my 28....
hmmm....last year..feb 08..was the worst day in my life...
My mind, heart, n body wasnt comfortable, many problems, were struggling in my minds, never focus on a thing, couldnt sleep 4 3 months..
That was the nightmares began....
I made a huge mistakes on working...lost couple million rps....company money, coz of my unaccuracy of price details....
Since then...I was been haunted of the mistakes that i made...should I be honest n told the boss? or I kept silent til the end, and walk out frm there ASAP? those bad minds were struggling n made me so confused...
At the end, with my hugest fear...I resign as fast as I could, I was avoiding people, I was frustrated, depressed, till every1 gave me suggestions but I couldnt accept it or at least thought about it...I denied everything, dun wanna knw evrythin around me, my focus was wht I felt, the sickness that i felt at my mind, n body, all parts were hurt, I became so thin...I lost 10 kg in just 1-2months...
Full of stresss....
After resign, I was gettin rest at home, I had told my fams, that I was stress n need rest for clearin my mind n heart at home, they understood, finally, n dun think me crazy like at the beginning....
Formerly, my sis also get the same condition with me, I know persisly how is the signs....In My mind, OMG....I aware...I had been full depressed, and If i was still hang on in this situation, I would totally get crazy, being a crazy person...n hospitalized!!
I dun wanna tis happened!
I wanted to fight backkkkk......
Thats why, I was turning back my mind to dhamma....Trying n had a big effort to meditate, read many books of dhamma, although at that moment, I coudlnt focus, everythin that I read would be totally forgotten, that pathetic!
That also made me not confidence wth my self, I alwayd looked down on my self....
I fear to meet others people, exp they who knw me well...wouldnt knw my differences changes.... They saw me differently ..n at their face ...seemed like a big question mark was displayed!
Fams gave big supports, esp mom...who always at home, dealing wth me...I went to psychatris/psycolog for curing my "illness", we had consultation, in my surprise, the doctor was a buddhism either, he encouraged me to looked back at dhamma, kept releasing on carma n dhamma around me, didnt push my self wth my needs, EGO, but facing the reality of life, except it as that was the real thing ...
To meditate, to get reflection, instropection wth wht had been happened in my life that days... to fight back n get back to my normal life, gave me some medicine.....
I realized, wht the doctor said was true!absolutely true... I had told him, I know wht the cause of my depressed thing, I was struggling to fight, but I said it was HARD enough!!i kept tryin to meditate...concentrate but i kept fail either..n in a higher limit, maximal limit....I had gave up..
But maybe finally good carma had come, one of my fren, borrow me a inspirational book THE SECRET, that change my mind wth everythinggg....
I had realized, why could I be like that day, becoz my wants is not balanced wth the reality, I got dissapointed, n that killed my minds, n hearts, I couldnt be calm or concentrate in anything............
Everythin that happened to me, is like the magnet that attracting others things from just u think, it was attracting wht did u think became reality... that was why, I learned to watchout to wht i thought, coz that could be the future n reality!!!
Soon, I became more confidence, I made my goal of life, that be4 I had but nvr I tried to accomplish seriously, I become more passion in life, although be4 I had plan once to suicide, thought I was became a unuseful person, gave burden to all fams...
I know my life is meaningful, n I wouldnt give up to anything...I opened my mind....
I kept eatin my medicine regularly, keep in touch wth my friends at inet, that they asked why u "lost" an no news be4, I was tellin them the truth, while I stil trying did dhamma n meditate...as much as i could, I wanna made it as a good habit, I knew, I wanted to make my fams happy with my progress, for that, I had to keep fighting.......
I started to gain my confindence to apply the vacancies at newspaper or internet, I was gettin some interviews, til I finally hired n worked at MGK for 2 months, everythin become good n positive, if I want it to be happen!!
My personality is getting better then, Im socialized again!be4, I ashame becoz my stress thing, n broke circumtances, I was closing my self frm all people, coz I didnt had any money to buy pulsa or reply their smses to me, thanks my sis, who always gave her supports by borrowing their money to me...
And today, past 1 year n 4 months.....1 hours 7 minutes again be4 my 28...
Im facing the same condition, jobless 4 2 months, no money, not being broke...like that time...but there are so big differences...
My hearts, my mind, My soul...is so happy...n really alive, although I dont hv everything...but I feel so lucky n being so blessful, appreciate n thank god 4 everything that came in my way, my life....
Thats makes me stronger, n tougher...
Nw, I can encourage other people who had the same thing wth me, being jobless...to always do the best n never give up....
One year older, I assume, I had goals that I wanna reach....Being wiser, wise in thinking, doing, saying, also better personality ...nice EQ, Im easily have bad temper...
In my older age, I wish, I can stand on my feet, being independent, more trusted by my parents, being loved by frenz n fams, wanna give more to other people who are not as lucky as I am, I had a warm home, complete parents, bro n sis that love n support me wth their own way, that maybe hard to understand, but I knw the good n + purpose, I want to be a + magnet, to could attract other people to be as good or + like I try to...
But The real thing is I want a Job!! So I can have money to spend 4 my self, n others......it is true that money cant give u everything, but money support u to get wht u want, but dont get too much depending on money n being materialistic....
Im realized........all good things will come, if u give n fertilize it wth the good condition either.....
I hope, Im sharing this bored story, to open up all people's mind, that I proud to be a buddhism, in My worst part of my life, Dhamma always in my way, helping me.....
Thats why....although I dun wanna be re-born again, if I have a good carma n opportunity to be a human again, I want to be a buddhism again....
BBU all ...sabbe satta bhavantu sukhitata^^
ai-shi-te.tris
Topic: My reflection in my 28 age (Read 12245 times)