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Offline Indra

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #90 on: 20 July 2008, 11:33:42 AM »
 

A School Master from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a new School in Mumbai. He reported for duty two days after the actual date of joining. Consequently he was asked for an explanation in writing...

_________

Deer sur,

If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, ass I am not a good englis speaker.

This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly,but for the following region, too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment.

I tolded I has head ache problem due to migration. Still the clerk rejected to give ticket to I and my sun.

I putted a complain on station masterji.

He said I to go to the lady clerk.

At first she also rejected. I then pressed for long time and finally with great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun.

Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible for getting birth of my sun.

Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life.

I hope u will look into explain my hole story after,and late me joint first.

I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for your responsement.

May God blast you!"


Yours awfully,
yadav

Offline Indra

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #91 on: 20 July 2008, 11:45:43 AM »
Advertisement In A Long Island Shop: Guitar, for sale....... Cheap....... ....no strings attached.


Ad.. In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!


Seen on a bulletin board: Success Is Relative.  More The Success, More The Relatives.




When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...I Gave Up Reading.


My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses... He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.


You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick.. Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off.


Sign In A Bar: "Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance."


Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.


Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.


The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.


Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.


Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You sleep Alone.


The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.


Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit: We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.


A Traffic Slogan: Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They  are Not Old Enough Or Else They Will Never Be.


Sign In A Restaurant: All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.


Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window: Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here. She May Be Your Grandmother !

Offline Huiono

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #92 on: 02 August 2008, 02:54:54 PM »
Three men were traveling in a rain forest when they were suddenly ambushed by cannibals. They were tied up and taken to the cannibal's chief. The chief turned to the captives, then told them that if they could complete a task, they would go free.

"You must go into the jungle and bring back 10 of the same fruit. After that I shall give you the next set of instructions"

So the three went separates ways looking for fruits. The first man came back with 10 apples. The chief said "Now you must shove them in your anus without making any facial expressions or noise. If you do, we will kill you".

The man managed to push two in before wincing out in pain. He was immediately killed. The second man came back with 10 grapes. The chief gave him the same instructions. As the man was shoving in the last one, he suddenly burst out laughing. He was immediately killed.

In heaven, the first man met the second man.

"what happened? you were so close" the first man said.

"The second man replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy come back with pineapples"
============================================
Three insane murderers escaped from their jail cells. As they were headed for the exit, they saw a guard patrolling in front of them. The first man sneaked past him while making cat sounds. The second followed. As the third man sneaked past, he said "I'm a cat too".
============================================
Three people were trapped on an island when a magic lamp washed ashore. When they rubbed it, a genie came out and told them he would grant each of them 1 wish. The first two people wished to go home and so they did. The third person suddenly started crying.
"What's wrong?" the genie asked.

"The person said" I wish my friends came back"
"During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act"
                                                                                                   -George Orwell

Offline Lex Chan

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #93 on: 25 August 2008, 06:48:40 PM »
Legal & Logical
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterward, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 25 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 18 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
“Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway”
-Mother Teresa-

Offline Lex Chan

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #94 on: 10 September 2008, 10:51:52 PM »
1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

2. Brother wanted
Small boy wrote to Santa Claus, 'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?'
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!'

6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush.'
“Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway”
-Mother Teresa-

Offline Lex Chan

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #95 on: 20 September 2008, 01:06:54 AM »
“Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway”
-Mother Teresa-

Offline Indra

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #96 on: 22 September 2008, 09:11:16 PM »
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to Internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.


3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.

5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.

8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur money.

9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that?

Best regards,
Banta Singh

Offline Sumedho

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #97 on: 14 October 2008, 07:37:02 AM »
Which one is more talkative ?

It's Bread !!!


because BreakTalk and KopiTiam
There is no place like 127.0.0.1

Offline Rina Hong

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #98 on: 15 October 2008, 11:44:43 AM »
 :))
The four Reliances
1st,rely on the spirit and meaning of the teachings, not on the words;
2nd,rely on the teachings, not on the personality of the teacher;
3rd,rely on real wisdom, not superficial interpretation;
And 4th,rely on the essence of your pure Wisdom Mind, not on judgmental perceptions

Offline mushroom_kick

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #99 on: 24 October 2008, 10:22:01 AM »
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
Teacher: What is your problem?
Boy: I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and
I'm smarter than she is. I think I should be in the third-grade too.

The teacher took the boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in
the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation
was.

The principal told her that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to
answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed.

The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: What is 3 x 3?
Boy: 9

Principal: What is 6 x 6?
Boy: 36

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. "I think the boy can go to the third-grade", said the
principal.

The teacher said she had some of her own questions to ask. The principal and
the boy agreed.

Teacher: What is it that a cow has four and I have only two?
Boy: (after a moment) Legs.

Teacher: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy: Pockets.

Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.

Teacher : What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes openned really wide and before he could stop the
answer, the boy was already answering.
Boy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes openned really wide and before he could stop the
answer...
Boy: Shake hands.

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get
wet before you do.
Boy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best
man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large vodka
peg.....
Boy: Wedding Ring.

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,
you feel good.
Boy: Nose

Teacher: I am a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in
'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck.

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' and if u dont get it u
have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.

Teacher : What is it that all men have one. It is longer for some men than
for others. The pope doesn't use his. Normally a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this
Boy to the University. I got the last ten questions wrong myself!
Segala fenomena bentuk & batin tidaklah kekal ada na.....
Semua hanyalah sementara.....

Offline markosprawira

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #100 on: 20 November 2008, 11:32:44 AM »
Boss: Where were you born?

Sardar : Punjab ..

Boss : which part ?

Sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in Punjab .  :P

Offline markosprawira

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #101 on: 20 November 2008, 11:36:45 AM »
Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto.

A man asks sardar : "why are you removing a wheel from your auto?"
 
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.  :))

Offline markosprawira

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #102 on: 20 November 2008, 11:45:32 AM »
On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. "Darling on our engagement day, will you give me a ring?"
 
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile^-^

Offline markosprawira

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #103 on: 20 November 2008, 11:47:50 AM »
In an interview

Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?

Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr......

Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.

Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...  :))

Offline markosprawira

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #104 on: 20 November 2008, 12:24:58 PM »
At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!

Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

 

anything