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Offline Sumedho

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Some jokes in english
« on: 27 July 2007, 08:43:54 AM »
Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .........
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ....
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ....
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ....
A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, Then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ....
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level"
There is no place like 127.0.0.1

Offline morpheus

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #1 on: 01 August 2007, 12:17:51 PM »
learn chinese in 5 minutes
* I'm trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You're the one that has to walk through it
* Neo, sooner or later you're going to realize just as I did that there's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path

Offline Sumedho

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #2 on: 01 August 2007, 12:38:25 PM »
 =)) , mesti dibaca pake logat singlis
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Offline langitbiru

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #3 on: 01 August 2007, 01:25:28 PM »
 =)) very funny  =))

=)) , mesti dibaca pake logat singlis

oi..oi mod, you are in english speaking zone  :-w
oni... kao titi bobo... gigi...

Offline Sumedho

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #4 on: 01 August 2007, 01:57:28 PM »
i beg for mercy mrs momod  ^:)^
mercy slk pls
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Offline langitbiru

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #5 on: 01 August 2007, 02:15:48 PM »
 [-X no mercy for you..

bicycle enough for you  [-X
oni... kao titi bobo... gigi...

Offline Sumedho

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #6 on: 02 August 2007, 11:58:05 AM »
1-

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour??
Husband: I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

**********

2-

Q - What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings you into this world crying... and the other ensures you Continue to do so.

**********

3-

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

**********

4-

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at  your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem  can there be greater than this one?"

**********

5-

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

**********

6-

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

**********

7-

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU the FORTUNE"

**********

8-

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

**********

9-

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you  married her?"

Millionaire: "Billionaire"

**********

10 Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning. hahahahaha

**********

11-

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.
« Last Edit: 02 August 2007, 12:00:56 PM by Sumedho »
There is no place like 127.0.0.1

Offline Sumedho

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #7 on: 21 August 2007, 06:47:08 AM »
If programming languages were cars...

This is an update to an old series of jokes about computer languages being like cars. I've added some more modern languages to the list. Any suggestions are welcome!

C   is a racing car that goes incredibly fast but breaks down every fifty miles.

C++   is a souped-up racing car with dozens of extra features that only breaks down every 250 miles, but when it does, nobody can figure out what went wrong.

Java   is a family station wagon. It's easy to drive, it's not too fast, and you can't hurt yourself.

C#   is a competing model of family station wagons. Once you use this, you're never allowed to use the competitors' products again.

Ocaml   is a very sexy European car. It's not quite as fast as C, but it never breaks down, so you end up going further in less time. However, because it's French, none of the controls are in the usual places.

Haskell   is an incredibly elegantly-designed and beautiful car, which is rumored to be able to drive over extremely strange terrain. The one time you tried to drive it, it didn't actually drive along the road; instead, it made copies of itself and the road, with each successive copy of the road having the car a little further along. It's supposed to be possible to drive it in a more conventional way, but you don't know enough math to figure out how.

[Monadic version:]
Haskell   is not really a car; it's an abstract machine in which you give a detailed description of what the process of driving would be like if you were to do it. You have to put the abstract machine inside another (concrete) machine in order to actually do any driving. You're not supposed to ask how the concrete machine works. There is also a way to take multiple abstract machines and make a single abstract machine, which you can then give to the concrete machine to make multiple trips one after another.

Lisp   looks like a car, but with enough tweaking you can turn it into a pretty effective airplane or submarine.

Prolog   is fully automatic: you tell it what your destination looks like, and it does all the driving for you. [Addendum from Paul Graham:] However, the effort required to specify most destinations is equivalent to the effort of driving there.

Perl   is supposed to be a pretty cool car, but the driver's manual is incomprehensible. Also, even if you can figure out how to drive a perl car, you won't be able to drive anyone else's.

Python   is a great beginner's car; you can drive it without a license. Unless you want to drive really fast or on really treacherous terrain, you may never need another car.

Smalltalk   is a small car originally designed for people who were just learning to drive, but it was designed so well that even experienced drivers enjoy riding in it. It doesn't drive very fast, but you can take apart any part of it and change it to make it more like what you wanted it to be. One oddity is that you don't actually drive it; you send it a message asking it to go somewhere and it either does or tells you that it didn't understand what you were asking.

Ruby   is a car that was formed when the Perl, Python and Smalltalk cars were involved in a three-way collision. A Japanese mechanic found the pieces and put together a car which many people think was better than the sum of the parts.

Erlang   is a fleet of cars that all cooperate to get you where you want to go. It takes practice to be able to drive with one foot in each of several cars, but once you learn how you can drive over terrain that would be very hard to navigate any other way. In addition, because you're using so many cars, it doesn't matter if a few of them break down.

Fortran   is a pretty primitive car; it'll go very quickly as long as you are only going along roads that are perfectly straight. It is believed that learning to drive a Fortran car makes it impossible to learn to drive any other model.

Cobol   is reputed to be a car, but no self-respecting driver will ever admit having driven one.

Forth   is a car you build yourself from a kit. Your car doesn't have to look or behave like anyone else's car. However, a Forth car will only go backwards.

Assembly Language   is a bare engine; you have to build the car yourself and manually supply it with gas while it's running, but if you're careful it can go like a bat out of hell.

Eiffel   is a car that includes a built-in driving instructor with a French accent. He will help you quickly identify and learn from your mistakes, but don't you dare argue with him or he'll insult you and throw you out of the car. [From Daniel Prager with some embellishments]
« Last Edit: 21 August 2007, 07:00:14 AM by Sumedho »
There is no place like 127.0.0.1

Offline Kokuzo

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #8 on: 21 August 2007, 10:42:08 AM »
Quote
10 Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning. hahahahaha


Quote
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.

goddam* funny  =))
« Last Edit: 21 August 2007, 10:45:16 AM by 7th »

Offline Fei Lun Hai

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #9 on: 24 August 2007, 11:50:58 AM »
One day in a language school in Australia.

Teacher : "All right, now I'd like you to make a sentence using the
words
GREEN, PINK and YELLOW. Who'd like to try?"

A student raised his hand. It was Kukoya from Japan.
Kukoya : "Early this morning, I looked out the window, I saw the GREEN
grass and PINK roses in the garden. I went outside and I feel the warm
                YELLOW sunlight around me."
Teacher : "Not bad. Okay, who's next?"

Another student raised his hand. It was Ah Beng from Singapore.
Ah Beng : "I try! I try. Can aaah?"
Teacher : "No, no, not you!"
Ah Beng : "Aaaiiyaaa.. . let me try lah... I can do lah... you think I'm
stupid meeh..?"
Teacher : "Okay.. go ahead..."
Ah Beng : "This morning I heard the phone GREEEEEN... GREEEEEN... I PINK
up
and I said YELLOOOOW?"
Teacher : ??
your life simple or complex is depend on yourself

Offline HokBen

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #10 on: 24 August 2007, 03:00:34 PM »
One day in a language school in Australia.

Teacher : "All right, now I'd like you to make a sentence using the
words
GREEN, PINK and YELLOW. Who'd like to try?"

A student raised his hand. It was Kukoya from Japan.
Kukoya : "Early this morning, I looked out the window, I saw the GREEN
grass and PINK roses in the garden. I went outside and I feel the warm
                YELLOW sunlight around me."
Teacher : "Not bad. Okay, who's next?"

Another student raised his hand. It was Ah Beng from Singapore.
Ah Beng : "I try! I try. Can aaah?"
Teacher : "No, no, not you!"
Ah Beng : "Aaaiiyaaa.. . let me try lah... I can do lah... you think I'm
stupid meeh..?"
Teacher : "Okay.. go ahead..."
Ah Beng : "This morning I heard the phone GREEEEEN... GREEEEEN... I PINK
up
and I said YELLOOOOW?"
Teacher : ??


=)) =)) =))

Offline harta

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #11 on: 24 August 2007, 04:48:57 PM »
One day in a language school in Australia.

Teacher : "All right, now I'd like you to make a sentence using the
words
GREEN, PINK and YELLOW. Who'd like to try?"

A student raised his hand. It was Kukoya from Japan.
Kukoya : "Early this morning, I looked out the window, I saw the GREEN
grass and PINK roses in the garden. I went outside and I feel the warm
                YELLOW sunlight around me."
Teacher : "Not bad. Okay, who's next?"

Another student raised his hand. It was Ah Beng from Singapore.
Ah Beng : "I try! I try. Can aaah?"
Teacher : "No, no, not you!"
Ah Beng : "Aaaiiyaaa.. . let me try lah... I can do lah... you think I'm
stupid meeh..?"
Teacher : "Okay.. go ahead..."
Ah Beng : "This morning I heard the phone GREEEEEN... GREEEEEN... I PINK
up
and I said YELLOOOOW?"
Teacher : ??


hahaha...  =)) =)) =))
it's make my stomach ache..
n my frenz in front of me said that i'm crazy coz laughing by myself...
~May All Beings Be Happy~

Offline Sumedho

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #12 on: 25 August 2007, 08:23:27 AM »
Message: The virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is stil deep in prayer, with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,

"I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
« Last Edit: 29 August 2007, 08:07:01 AM by Sumedho »
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Offline Kokuzo

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #13 on: 25 August 2007, 10:14:09 AM »
bwakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakaka  =))

buset dah... sial bener...

Offline Sumedho

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #14 on: 05 September 2007, 06:47:38 PM »
Why did Kok Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 not allowed !

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.
Kok Beng: "Do you have color TV ?"
Salesgirl: "Yes !"
Kok Beng: "Give me a green one, please "

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng is filling up an application form for a job.
He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc. Then
he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the
question.
After much thought, he writes " Yes"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Kok Beng: "What is that shiny object ?"
Salesgirl: "That is a thermos flask."
Kok Beng: "What does it do ?"
Salesgirl: "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Kok Beng: "I'll buy it"

The next day, Kok Beng goes to work with his thermo flat
Boss: "What is that shiny object ?"
Kok Beng: "It's a thermos flask."
Boss: "What does it do ?"
Kok Beng: "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss: "What do you have in it !?"
Kok Beng: "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

After taking photocopies of documents, Kok Beng always compares it with the
original for spelling mistakes.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his
picture is being taken.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Why can't Kok Beng dial 911?
Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it. When he
encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command after some
tries. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer
retailer for support.
Kok Beng: "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been over half an
hour and still nobody come and help me ?!"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what
had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the
phone ring -
but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and
stuck it to my ear"
"Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .... what happened to
the other ear ?"
Kok Beng answered: "That stupid dumbo called back!!!!"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.
Kok Beng: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TAIPEI AND
LAS VEGAS ?"
Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."
Kok Beng : "THANK YOU " and he puts down the phone.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time,
Kok Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Kok Beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL." Kok Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7
YRS".

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

At a bar in New York, the man to Kok Beng's left tells the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE" and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".
The bartender approaches Kok Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?" Kok Beng
replies : "Tan Kok Beng, MARRIED"
There is no place like 127.0.0.1

 

anything