Forum DhammaCitta. Forum Diskusi Buddhis Indonesia

Komunitas => Waroeng English => Topic started by: Sumedho on 27 July 2007, 08:43:54 AM

Title: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 27 July 2007, 08:43:54 AM
Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .........
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ....
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ....
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ....
A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, Then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ....
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level"
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: morpheus on 01 August 2007, 12:17:51 PM
learn chinese in 5 minutes
(http://www.office-humour.co.uk/content/images/2006/10/4980.jpg)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 01 August 2007, 12:38:25 PM
 =)) , mesti dibaca pake logat singlis
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: langitbiru on 01 August 2007, 01:25:28 PM
 =)) very funny  =))

=)) , mesti dibaca pake logat singlis

oi..oi mod, you are in english speaking zone  :-w
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 01 August 2007, 01:57:28 PM
i beg for mercy mrs momod  ^:)^
mercy slk pls
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: langitbiru on 01 August 2007, 02:15:48 PM
 [-X no mercy for you..

bicycle enough for you  [-X
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 02 August 2007, 11:58:05 AM
1-

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour??
Husband: I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

**********

2-

Q - What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings you into this world crying... and the other ensures you Continue to do so.

**********

3-

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

**********

4-

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at  your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem  can there be greater than this one?"

**********

5-

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

**********

6-

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

**********

7-

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU the FORTUNE"

**********

8-

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

**********

9-

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you  married her?"

Millionaire: "Billionaire"

**********

10 Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning. hahahahaha

**********

11-

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 21 August 2007, 06:47:08 AM
If programming languages were cars...

This is an update to an old series of jokes about computer languages being like cars. I've added some more modern languages to the list. Any suggestions are welcome!

C   is a racing car that goes incredibly fast but breaks down every fifty miles.

C++   is a souped-up racing car with dozens of extra features that only breaks down every 250 miles, but when it does, nobody can figure out what went wrong.

Java   is a family station wagon. It's easy to drive, it's not too fast, and you can't hurt yourself.

C#   is a competing model of family station wagons. Once you use this, you're never allowed to use the competitors' products again.

Ocaml   is a very sexy European car. It's not quite as fast as C, but it never breaks down, so you end up going further in less time. However, because it's French, none of the controls are in the usual places.

Haskell   is an incredibly elegantly-designed and beautiful car, which is rumored to be able to drive over extremely strange terrain. The one time you tried to drive it, it didn't actually drive along the road; instead, it made copies of itself and the road, with each successive copy of the road having the car a little further along. It's supposed to be possible to drive it in a more conventional way, but you don't know enough math to figure out how.

[Monadic version:]
Haskell   is not really a car; it's an abstract machine in which you give a detailed description of what the process of driving would be like if you were to do it. You have to put the abstract machine inside another (concrete) machine in order to actually do any driving. You're not supposed to ask how the concrete machine works. There is also a way to take multiple abstract machines and make a single abstract machine, which you can then give to the concrete machine to make multiple trips one after another.

Lisp   looks like a car, but with enough tweaking you can turn it into a pretty effective airplane or submarine.

Prolog   is fully automatic: you tell it what your destination looks like, and it does all the driving for you. [Addendum from Paul Graham:] However, the effort required to specify most destinations is equivalent to the effort of driving there.

Perl   is supposed to be a pretty cool car, but the driver's manual is incomprehensible. Also, even if you can figure out how to drive a perl car, you won't be able to drive anyone else's.

Python   is a great beginner's car; you can drive it without a license. Unless you want to drive really fast or on really treacherous terrain, you may never need another car.

Smalltalk   is a small car originally designed for people who were just learning to drive, but it was designed so well that even experienced drivers enjoy riding in it. It doesn't drive very fast, but you can take apart any part of it and change it to make it more like what you wanted it to be. One oddity is that you don't actually drive it; you send it a message asking it to go somewhere and it either does or tells you that it didn't understand what you were asking.

Ruby   is a car that was formed when the Perl, Python and Smalltalk cars were involved in a three-way collision. A Japanese mechanic found the pieces and put together a car which many people think was better than the sum of the parts.

Erlang   is a fleet of cars that all cooperate to get you where you want to go. It takes practice to be able to drive with one foot in each of several cars, but once you learn how you can drive over terrain that would be very hard to navigate any other way. In addition, because you're using so many cars, it doesn't matter if a few of them break down.

Fortran   is a pretty primitive car; it'll go very quickly as long as you are only going along roads that are perfectly straight. It is believed that learning to drive a Fortran car makes it impossible to learn to drive any other model.

Cobol   is reputed to be a car, but no self-respecting driver will ever admit having driven one.

Forth   is a car you build yourself from a kit. Your car doesn't have to look or behave like anyone else's car. However, a Forth car will only go backwards.

Assembly Language   is a bare engine; you have to build the car yourself and manually supply it with gas while it's running, but if you're careful it can go like a bat out of hell.

Eiffel   is a car that includes a built-in driving instructor with a French accent. He will help you quickly identify and learn from your mistakes, but don't you dare argue with him or he'll insult you and throw you out of the car. [From Daniel Prager with some embellishments]
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Kokuzo on 21 August 2007, 10:42:08 AM
Quote
10 Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning. hahahahaha


Quote
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.

goddam* funny  =))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Fei Lun Hai on 24 August 2007, 11:50:58 AM
One day in a language school in Australia.

Teacher : "All right, now I'd like you to make a sentence using the
words
GREEN, PINK and YELLOW. Who'd like to try?"

A student raised his hand. It was Kukoya from Japan.
Kukoya : "Early this morning, I looked out the window, I saw the GREEN
grass and PINK roses in the garden. I went outside and I feel the warm
                YELLOW sunlight around me."
Teacher : "Not bad. Okay, who's next?"

Another student raised his hand. It was Ah Beng from Singapore.
Ah Beng : "I try! I try. Can aaah?"
Teacher : "No, no, not you!"
Ah Beng : "Aaaiiyaaa.. . let me try lah... I can do lah... you think I'm
stupid meeh..?"
Teacher : "Okay.. go ahead..."
Ah Beng : "This morning I heard the phone GREEEEEN... GREEEEEN... I PINK
up
and I said YELLOOOOW?"
Teacher : ??
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: HokBen on 24 August 2007, 03:00:34 PM
One day in a language school in Australia.

Teacher : "All right, now I'd like you to make a sentence using the
words
GREEN, PINK and YELLOW. Who'd like to try?"

A student raised his hand. It was Kukoya from Japan.
Kukoya : "Early this morning, I looked out the window, I saw the GREEN
grass and PINK roses in the garden. I went outside and I feel the warm
                YELLOW sunlight around me."
Teacher : "Not bad. Okay, who's next?"

Another student raised his hand. It was Ah Beng from Singapore.
Ah Beng : "I try! I try. Can aaah?"
Teacher : "No, no, not you!"
Ah Beng : "Aaaiiyaaa.. . let me try lah... I can do lah... you think I'm
stupid meeh..?"
Teacher : "Okay.. go ahead..."
Ah Beng : "This morning I heard the phone GREEEEEN... GREEEEEN... I PINK
up
and I said YELLOOOOW?"
Teacher : ??


=)) =)) =))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: harta on 24 August 2007, 04:48:57 PM
One day in a language school in Australia.

Teacher : "All right, now I'd like you to make a sentence using the
words
GREEN, PINK and YELLOW. Who'd like to try?"

A student raised his hand. It was Kukoya from Japan.
Kukoya : "Early this morning, I looked out the window, I saw the GREEN
grass and PINK roses in the garden. I went outside and I feel the warm
                YELLOW sunlight around me."
Teacher : "Not bad. Okay, who's next?"

Another student raised his hand. It was Ah Beng from Singapore.
Ah Beng : "I try! I try. Can aaah?"
Teacher : "No, no, not you!"
Ah Beng : "Aaaiiyaaa.. . let me try lah... I can do lah... you think I'm
stupid meeh..?"
Teacher : "Okay.. go ahead..."
Ah Beng : "This morning I heard the phone GREEEEEN... GREEEEEN... I PINK
up
and I said YELLOOOOW?"
Teacher : ??


hahaha...  =)) =)) =))
it's make my stomach ache..
n my frenz in front of me said that i'm crazy coz laughing by myself...
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 25 August 2007, 08:23:27 AM
Message: The virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is stil deep in prayer, with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,

"I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Kokuzo on 25 August 2007, 10:14:09 AM
bwakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakaka  =))

buset dah... sial bener...
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 05 September 2007, 06:47:38 PM
Why did Kok Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 not allowed !

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.
Kok Beng: "Do you have color TV ?"
Salesgirl: "Yes !"
Kok Beng: "Give me a green one, please "

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng is filling up an application form for a job.
He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc. Then
he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the
question.
After much thought, he writes " Yes"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Kok Beng: "What is that shiny object ?"
Salesgirl: "That is a thermos flask."
Kok Beng: "What does it do ?"
Salesgirl: "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Kok Beng: "I'll buy it"

The next day, Kok Beng goes to work with his thermo flat
Boss: "What is that shiny object ?"
Kok Beng: "It's a thermos flask."
Boss: "What does it do ?"
Kok Beng: "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss: "What do you have in it !?"
Kok Beng: "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

After taking photocopies of documents, Kok Beng always compares it with the
original for spelling mistakes.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his
picture is being taken.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Why can't Kok Beng dial 911?
Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it. When he
encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command after some
tries. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer
retailer for support.
Kok Beng: "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been over half an
hour and still nobody come and help me ?!"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what
had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the
phone ring -
but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and
stuck it to my ear"
"Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .... what happened to
the other ear ?"
Kok Beng answered: "That stupid dumbo called back!!!!"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Kok Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.
Kok Beng: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TAIPEI AND
LAS VEGAS ?"
Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."
Kok Beng : "THANK YOU " and he puts down the phone.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time,
Kok Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Kok Beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL." Kok Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7
YRS".

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

At a bar in New York, the man to Kok Beng's left tells the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE" and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".
The bartender approaches Kok Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?" Kok Beng
replies : "Tan Kok Beng, MARRIED"
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Kokuzo on 06 September 2007, 10:26:59 AM
=))

aduh... parah ni si ABeng... lagi donk Boss...

=))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 06 September 2007, 02:15:58 PM
What they "Kong Ha Mi"?

Dear Hokkien speaking friends,

Laugh until you kee siao!Please forward to all your
Hokkien friends:

Ah Lian called big brother Ah Beng over the
telephone.
Lian: "Ah Beng kor, I can't get my new jig saw
puzzle fixed, mah-chiam all the edges cannot fix
together, lah."

Beng: "Jig saw puzzle si mi picture, ha?"

Lian: "The box show a big rooster, kanna like the
one in talkingcock.com."

Beng: "Okay, lah, okay, lah. I come over to tor-
long lu, lah."

Ah Beng arrives at Ah Lian's place, where she
happily leads him to the kitchen table where the
jigsaw puzzle is.

Ah Beng examines the puzzle and says, "Si ghee
na, si bay gong, put back the corn flakes into the
box, lah."

******************************************************
Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim,
one of his elderly patients.
He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?"
Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you
know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I
get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on
for me automatically when I open the door!"
The doctor is worried that the old man is getting
senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's
wife answers.
The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little
concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that
when he gets up to urinate at night and
opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes
on..."
At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Aiyoh, Ah Seng!
Ah Pa pang jio in the fridge again!"

******************************************************
QUESTION: How do you know frogs are Hokkien?
ANSWER : Because when it's cold, they
go "kwah, kwah, kwah".

QUESTION : How do Hokkien prawns laugh?
ANSWER: Hae hae hae (hokkien for prawns)

QUESTION: How do Hokkien fish laugh?
ANSWER : Hu hu hu (hokkien for fish)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Hikoza83 on 07 September 2007, 01:52:41 AM
A smart 1st grade school kid would answer...

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students the teacher asked, "Boy what is your problem?"
Boy: Answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office.
While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy : was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?"
The principal and Boy both agree.
Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Boy: (after a moment) "Legs."
Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."
Ms Neelam: “What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?”
Boy: “Coconut”
Ms Neelam: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms Neelam: “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.”
Boy: “Tent”
Ms Neelam: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.”
Boy: Wedding Ring
Ms Neelam: “I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”
Boy: “Nose”.
Ms Neelam: “I have a stiff! shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”
Boy: Arrow
Ms Neelam: “What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?”
Boy: Firetruck
Ms Neelam: “What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use ur hand.”
Boy: “Fork”
Ms Neelam: “What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?”
Boy: SURNAME
Ms Neelam: “What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?”
Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to College, I got the last ten questions! Wrong myself!"

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Hikoza83 on 07 September 2007, 01:53:18 AM
Latihan Pronounciation!

nih buat yg jago inggris:

...Tiga nenek sihir mengagumi tiga buah arloji merk Swatch. Nenek sihir mana melihat pada arloji Swatch yang mana...
dalam bahasa Inggris:
Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watch which Swatch watch.

ini satu lagi :
......Tiga nenek sihir biseksual mengagumi kenop-kenop dari tiga arloji Swatch. Nenek sihir biseksual mana yang memandangi kenop arloji Swatch yang mana...
Dalam bahasa Inggris (susah neh, ati-ati lidah keputer):
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watch which Swatch watch switch.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Hikoza83 on 07 September 2007, 01:54:05 AM
Daydreams (joke)

A teacher fell asleep during class one day.
After waking up, he said to his students, "I dreamt of Prince Zhou."
The next day, one of his students fell asleep in class.
The teacher woke him up with a whack of the wooden stick, saying, "How dare you fell asleep in class!"
The student said,"I dreamt of Prince Zhou, too."
"What did he say to you?"
"He said he didn't meet you yesterday."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 07 September 2007, 09:30:55 AM
I have another tongue twister:  ;D

"Betty bought some butter, but the butter is bitter. So Betty bought some better butter to make the bitter butter better."

(Betty beli mentega, tapi menteganya pahit. Maka Betty beli mentega yang lebih baik untuk membuat mentega yang pahit menjadi lebih baik.)


One of my friend can speak it out less than 3 seconds! Wow!
Can you?  ;)
You can do it too as long as you practice it for 1-3 days..
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 07 September 2007, 09:34:22 AM
keseleo dibagian bitter butter better :))
jadinya better butter bitter
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 14 September 2007, 08:13:21 AM
I discovered that the Chinese people
here speak Hockien where out of 10 words in a
statement, inevitably 3-4 words in that statement
are in
Bahasa Indonesia. If you think you speak perfect
Hockien, tell me what is Hockien for cockroach? or
Cucumber or Cheese? If you say /kecoa/, /timun/
and /keju/, these are actually Bahasa Indonesia
words. I asked my Chinese staff what cockroach
was in Hockien, and all of them said /kecoa/. Just
wonder if it is also called /kecoa/ in Fujian China?

> One of the strange encounters you will find at
the /rumah makan/ is that even though it is a small
coffee shop, it has a menu and issues a bill when
you pay. And on each table, one will find a roll of
toilet paper housed in a case and tooth picks. This
is a good idea as customers can clean their hands
with free "/tisu/" or toilet paper. Perhaps Medan
coffee shop owners have not learnt from the
Singapore coffee shop owners that they can get
extra income by selling proper tissue paper had
they not provided the free 'toilet roll".

> One of the good things when it comes to settling
the bill is that despite ordering your food from
different stallholders, you just need to signal
someone that you wish to pay and you just pay to
one stallholder and they settle amongst
themselves. I am not sure, though whether I have
been overcharged as I never ask the breakdown of
the cost.

> If you can drive in Medan, you can drive in any
place on earth! Fortunately, my company provides
me with a car and a driver who chauffeurs me daily
to work from home. Driving in Medan is probably
the most challenging place to drive on earth! A
Malaysian colleague told me that Singaporeans
classify Malaysian drivers as 'too bold and
aggressive'. But Malaysian drivers are
just "kittens" compared to Medan drivers. Driving in
Medan follows the rule of "First Mover Advantage",
i.e., whoever reaches a spot on the road first has
the right of way. I was amazed that my driver, who
was turning right from a road junction, got into the
middle of the opposite road and blocked the
incoming vehicles from the opposite direction. He
would probably have gotten beaten up in Singapore
if he did that. But in Medan, they waited for him to
pass without any sign of anger.

> Trying to beat red traffic lights is also a common
sight here in Medan, even in full view of the traffic
police observing the whole event. I could see the
traffic policeman shaking his head, but he did not
give the motorist a summon ticket. When I asked
my local friend why the traffic police did not issue
a summon ticket, his candid remarks were, "Why
would he want to do more work without getting any
extra money?" I have never met a more "practical"
traffic policeman! Despite all these crazy road
behaviors, there seems to be no traffic accidents
at all!

> In Singapore, drivers are not allowed to have dark-
tinted glass on their cars for security reasons, so
that people outside can see who and what is
inside the car. In Medan, it is also for security
reasons that they have tinted glass for cars. But it
is to disallow people outside to see who and what
is inside the car! I can understand why as my
neighbor who is only a high school girl sometimes
drives alone at night.

> I asked a staff member at my office to buy some
cough medicine from the apotik (Pharmacy). He
came back with some cough tablets and
antibiotics. I asked him how he managed to get
antibiotics without a doctor's prescription. His reply
was, You pay, they sell. It seems that people
here self-medicate for minor medical problems.
You can find an apotik on almost every street in
downtown Medan, just as you can find a 7-Eleven
on every street in downtown Hong Kong.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 15 September 2007, 04:38:45 PM
Joke of the day to cheer you up...

******

*MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER*
Interviewer : "What is your birth date?"
Muthu : "13th October."
Interviewer : "Which year?"
Muthu : "Every year."

*****

* MUTHU & HIS MANAGER*
The Manager asked Muthu at an interview....
"Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?"
Muthu replied: "P-O-S-T-B-O-X."

*****

* MUTHU & LONDON TRIP*
After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, "Do I
look like a foreigner?"
Wife: "No! Why?"
Muthu : "In London, a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'...that's why."
Wife : ?????????


*****
*MUTHU & TOURIST*
A tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his
village...
and Muthu said .. "No sir, only babies were born here."


*****

*MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT*
Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one leg
and told it to "WALK! WALK!" The cockroach walked.
Then he cut off it's second leg and told the same. The cockroach walked.
Then he cut off the third leg and did the same. Finally, he cut off its
fourth leg and ordered it walk! But the cockroach didn't walk. Suddenly,
Muthu said loudly, "I found it. If we cut a
cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf."

*****

*MUTHU & DRIVER*
When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorized tricycle, the driver
adjusted the mirror.
Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my wife, eh?
Sit in the back. I will drive."

*****

* MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL*
Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin.
Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin.
Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing. Muthu pointed towards
the signboard "*WASH BASIN* "

*****

*MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART*
Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and
it's on fire. How will you escape?"
Muthu: "It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."

*****

At a political rally, Muthu was arrested. Why ????????????
Because a lady journalist with a badge which read "*PRESS*" pinned on the
right part of her blouse walked past him... and he did it!
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 18 September 2007, 10:23:11 AM


Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son.

Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.

Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case..."

This is how business is done!!
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 18 September 2007, 10:23:40 AM
>A family in the Southern Province of China, were puzzled when the coffin of
>their dead grandmother arrived from the States. It was sent by one of the
>daughters. The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no
>space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top;
>which read as follows:
>
>Dear Cousins,
>I am sending Ahma body to you since it was her wish that she should be
>cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Tung Shin. Sorry, I could
>not come along as all of my paid leaves are consumed. You will find inside
>the coffin, under Ahma's body, 12 cans of Yohmeitsu, 10 packets of Swiss
>chocolates ! and packets of Chinatown Lap Cheong. Please divide these among
>all of you. On Ahma's feet you will find a new pair of Nike Air shoes (size
>10) for Ah boy.
>Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Ah Mei's and Ah Lien's sons. Hope the
>sizes are correct. Ahma is wearing 6 CK T-Shirts. The large size is for Ah
>Bak and the others are for my nephews. Just distribute them among
>yourselves. The 2 new Armani Jeans that Ahma is wearing are for the boys.
>The Rolex watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ahma's left wrist.
>Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei, Ahma is wearing the Tiffany necklace, earrings and
>ring that you asked for. Please take them.
>The 6 white Polo cotton socks that Ahma is wearing must be divided among my
>teenage cousins. Let me know what else you need as Ah Kong is also not
>keeping well nowadays..
>I can send all required things when our Ah Kong goes back too........
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 18 September 2007, 10:24:02 AM
Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng's son, Aloysius

Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng's son, Aloysius
Aloy : Why is making love so  enjoyable ?
PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjolable becaws, same like when you dig your nose
with your finger mah !
Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ?
 PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel
better than your finger, right ?
Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?
PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig
your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah !
Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?
PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah ! Use
your blain, use your blainnn ..........
Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making
love ?
PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on
your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah.  Corlight or not?
Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?
PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn .....................
you
go and dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!
Aloy : Wah ...... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.
PCK : Aiyah ...... ," Best in Singapore, JB, some say Batam, and now, the
 whole world!" also ah!!!
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 18 September 2007, 10:26:22 AM
Titanik

Scene 1:
Jack: Hey chio eh? Me teach you an chua fly, want or not?
Rose: Mai lah. I scare leh.
Jack: No need scare leh, lai I teach you.
Rose: Don't lar, me really scare leh.
Jack: Lai lar, stand on the railing, then I hug you.
Rose: Like that huh?
Jack: Yah, then hor, spread ur arms... Wah lau eh, why
so smelly one?
Rose: Kan ni na... You say my armpit smell ah!
Jack: Wah I bey tar han already lar!
 Jack fainted & both fell into the sea.

 Scroll down for more Titanic jokes...

 Scene 2:
One fine day, late at night, Jack Duakang was on the deck of Titanic
when he
heard some loud footsteps. He looked to see what was going
> on, and he saw a super chio about to jump off the deck. He walked over
and
> tried to persuade her not to jump.

 Jack: Chio eh, lee si an zua? So late dun sleep do what?
What's your name?
Rose: My name is Mei Kui, but people call me Rose.
Jack: Nah Beh... Why you so chio, but your name like the
> > mamasan at Zhong Guo Chen (China City).


 Rose: Shut-up lah you, I now want to jump.
Jack: Why jump? Siao ah you, so chio jump for what?
Rose: Aiyah why you so kaypo? I jump you jump?
Jack: Wah lau, don't lah aiyah.

 So Jack continued to persuade her for a few hours. After three hours...

 Jack: Eh don't jump leh, don't lah, siao ah you?
Rose: Aiyah, you talk for three hours liao, buay sian meh??
Jack: Ya lor, I think oso a bit sian liao. So, please lah,
> > don't jump lah. Rose: Shut-up I am really jumping liao.

 Jack was tired, so he stopped persuading...

 Rose: I really jump ah, really ah? Really leh. I am not
> joking leh. I jump ah!!!

 Jack was very du lan after wasting so much time. So, he
> kicked Rose's Ka Ch'ng and sent her into her watery grave.

 Jack: Nah beh, want to jump, jump lah. Nah beh waste my time.

 Then Jack turned around and he saw the second most beautiful girl on
the ship....

 Jack: Oei Chio eh, what's your name?
Hibiscus: Me Hibiscus lor. I saw you kick my
sister.Hahahahahahhh! Thank you hor.  She always steal my boyfliends
one.

So Jack and Hibiscus live happily ever after...
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 18 September 2007, 06:24:11 PM
      Actual call center conversations!

       This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think
this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is  a true story from
the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording
monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the  Help Desk
employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect
organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support
employee.
(Now I  know why they record these conversations!):
        Operator:         "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
        Caller:              "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
        Operator:         "What sort of trouble??"
        Caller:              "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a
                                   sudden the words went away."
        Operator:         "Went away?"
        Caller:              "They disappeared."
        Operator:         "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
        Caller:              "Nothing."
        Operator:         "Nothing??"
        Caller:              "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
       Operator:         "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
       Caller:              "How do I tell?"
       Operator:         "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
       Caller:              "What's a sea-prompt?"
        Operator:         "Never mind, can you move your cursor around
                                   the screen?"
       Caller:              "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
      Operator:         "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
      Caller:              "What's a monitor?"
      Operator:         "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it

                                  have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
       Caller:           "I don't know."
       Operator:          "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power

                                    cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
       Caller:              "Yes, I think so."
      Operator:         "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
       Caller:              "Yes, it is."
       Operator:         "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two

                                  cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
       Caller:               "No."
       Operator:      "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
       Caller:               "Okay, here it is."
       Operator:          "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
      Caller:               "I can't reach."
      Operator:          "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
       Caller:               "No."
      Operator:          "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
     Caller:               "Well, it' s not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
      Operator:          "Dark??"
      Caller:               "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
      Operator:           "Well, turn on the office light then."
      Caller:               "I can't."
       Operator:          "No? Why not??"
       Caller:               "Because there's a power failure."
      Operator:           "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still

                                   have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"
       Caller:              "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
     Operator:           "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when

                                you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
     Caller:                 "Really? Is it that bad?"
     Operator:            'Yes, I'm afraid it is."
      Caller:                  "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
    Operator:           "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Hikoza83 on 26 September 2007, 09:41:32 PM
StReSsss ReLieVeR

Stress Reliever #1
Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Stress Reliever # 4
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

Stress Reliever # 5
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Stress Reliever # 6
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

Stress Reliever # 7
Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

Stress Reliever # 8
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

Stress Reliever # 9
A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
He replied: Depends, if I can find a phone.

Stress Reliever # 10
Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?
Wife replied: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!

Stress Reliever # 11
Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S. ?
Answer: Because people started licking the wrong side.

Stress Reliever # 12
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humour.

Stress Reliever # 13
Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?
Lady replied: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Hikoza83 on 27 September 2007, 08:45:05 AM
Pilot (joke)

Pilot to tower,
"I'm 400 miles fromland, 500 feet over water & no fuel, please advice!"
Tower to Pilot, "Repeat after me, Innalilllahi wa'inna illaihi roji'un."  0:)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Hikoza83 on 27 September 2007, 05:55:08 PM
Remember me

If u need love please remember me,
if u need kiss please remember me,
if u need money please forget me...  :whistle:
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: F.T on 30 September 2007, 11:11:13 AM
Why did The Chicken Cross The Road?


* KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

* PLATO: For the greater good.

* THE POPE: God knows.

* POLICEMAN: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll know why.

* ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

* SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

* CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

* MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.

* MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

* FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

* GEORGE W. BUSH (2): We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

* DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

* EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

* NELSON MANDELA: Never again, will the chicken be questioned for crossing the road. This is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.

* THABO MBEKI: We need to establish if really there is a connection between the chicken and the road.

* MUGABE: For all of these years the road has been owned by the white farmers, the poor underprivileged chicken has waited too long for that road to be given to him and now he is crossing it in force with his fellow war veteran chickens. We intend taking over this road and giving it to the roadless chickens so that they can cross it without fear of retribution from Britain who promised money to institute road reform. We will not stop until all roadless chickens have roads to cross and the freedom to cross them.

* ISAAC NEWTON: Any chicken in the universe shall always cross a road perpendicularly to the side of the road, and in an infinitely long straight line at uniform speed, unless the chicken stops due to an unbalanced reactive force in the opposite direction of the chicken’s motion.

* ZANU (PF) Spokesman: The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don’t even have a single chicken in our country as the whole world knows. All the chickens were bought and consumed by the long-suffering masses at give-away prices when we sent out our comrades to enforce what our enemies are now unpatriotically and maliciously referring to as the largest closing down sale in the world.

* JACOB ZUMA: I am gravely suspicious that this question is being asked with a malicious intention to trap me, send the Scorpions to raid my chicken run, haul me before the courts and charge me for sodomizing the chicken that walked across the road towards me as it was running away from an advancing light shower! Awuleth’ umshini wam’ ……..!!!

Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: F.T on 30 September 2007, 11:25:10 AM
Seorang supir lagi nyetirin boss bule Amrik, kebetulan lagi sial. Mobilnya nyodok kendaraan di depannya karena mendadak berhenti.

Dengan terbata-bata ia minta maaf kepada si boss, “Sorry Sir, I brake brake, do not eat. After I check the wheel no flower again.” (Baca: maaf Tuan, saya rem-rem nggak makan, setelah saya cek rodanya nggak ada kembangannya lagi)

Begitu si Boss mau ikutan ribut sama yang ditabrak, supirnya nyeletuk, “Don’t follow mix, Sir! The bring that car if not wrong is the children fruit from manager money, he stupid no play! Let know taste.” (Baca: nggak usah ikut campur, Pak! Yang bawa mobil itu kalo nggak salah anak buah dari manajer keuangan, dia memang g****k bukan main! Biar tahu rasa)

Besoknya si supir gak masuk kerja, terus pas lusanya dia masuk si boss bule nanya, “Why didn’t you come to work?”

Si supir menjawab, “I am sorry boss, my body is not delicious, my body taste like enter the wind.” (Baca: maaf boss, badan saya tidak enak, badan saya rasanya seperti masuk angin)

Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 03 October 2007, 06:28:08 PM
> > Crazy little things which makes Men's head BUZZZZZ.....

> > Three answers most scared by men
> > 1 (Whatever la)
> > Men: What to have for dinner?
> > Women: Whatever la..
> > Men: Why not we have steamboat?
> > Women: Don't want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face
> > Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine
> > ....... Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?
> > Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
> > Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea
> > Men: Then what you suggest?
> > Women : Whatever la..
> >
> > 2 (Anything la)
> >
> > Men: So what should we do now?
> > Women: Anything la...
> > Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie
> > Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only
> > Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?
> > Women: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tire meh?
> > Men: Then find a café and have drink
> > Women:! Drink coffee will affect my sleep
> > Men: Then what you suggest?
> > Women: Anything la
> >
> > 3 (You decide la)
> >
> > Men: Then we just go home lo
> > Women: You decide
> > Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
> > Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don't want la
> > Men: Ok we will take Taxi
> > Women: Not worth it la... for such a short distance
> > Men: Alright, then we walk lo. Take a slow walk
> > Women: What to walk with empty stomach woh?
> > Men: Then what you suggest?
> > Women: You decide
> > Men: Let's have dinner first
> > Women: Whatever la...
> > Men: Eat what?
> > Women: Anything la
> >
 ^^Want Kill Her Right???
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Hikoza83 on 07 October 2007, 07:11:17 AM
BUSH

A reporter asking president bush on a press conference
reporter: do you running for president again?
bush: Yes indeed
reporter: Why do you want to run again?
bush: hmmm...that part i'm still wotking on it
reporter: here's 20 buscks and buy yourself a clue
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 22 October 2007, 09:40:35 PM
Most businesses like it that our credit-card machines' receipts read "Thank you, please come again" at the bottom. But one man asked if I could take it off. "Fine," I said. "Do you mind telling me why?"

It just seems rather inappropriate," he replied. "We're undertakers."

MICHELLE BALLARD
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: oddiezz on 05 November 2007, 11:15:09 AM
A paratrooper was scared to jump.

His instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, `Buddha oh Buddha' and you will be saved."

The paratrooper got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord.

So he said, "Buddha oh Buddha," and a hand came out and saved him.

He said, "Thank God," and he was dropped.


Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 07 November 2007, 05:29:43 PM
from a friend's MSN Messenger status:

Artificial Intelligent is no match for natural stupidity... (Yanks)

=))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: uwi on 12 November 2007, 05:33:05 PM
semoga pada tempatnya. via http://planet.terasi.net (http://planet.terasi.net)

Chicken Philosophy

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE  ROAD???

Plato:  For the greater good.

Aristotle:  To fulfill its nature on the other side.

Karl Marx:  It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli:  So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage   to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates:  Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada:  Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary:  Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Douglas Adams:  Forty-two.

Nietzsche:  Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Oliver North:  National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner:  Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung:  The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre:  In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein:  The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle:  To actualize its potential.

Howard Cosell:  It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history.  An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement
formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Salvador Dali:  The Fish.

Darwin:  It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson:  Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus:  For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe:  The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway:  To die.  In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg:  We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume:  Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein:  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson:  'Cause it (censored) wanted to.  That's the (censored) reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan:  Well,...................

John Sununu:  The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx:  You tell me.

Henry David Thoreau:  To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain:  The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Mishima:   For the beauty of it. The chicken's extension of its sinuous legs sent shivers of a dark despair into the souls not only of the silently watching hens but also the roosters, who felt a sudden sexual desire for their exquisite comrade.  The dark courage of the chicken was as beautiful as drops of dew upon jade at midnight, struck by a partial moon, its light filtered through clouds. One of the deeply aroused roosters could stand the intensity of the moment no more and bit off the head of the beautiful, courageous chicken-hero,
whose wine blood was deliciously drunken by the road, and he died.

Johnny Cochran:  The chicken didn't cross the road. Some chicken-hating, genocidal, lying public official moved the road right under the chicken's feet while he was practicing his golf swing and thinking about his family.

Camus:  The chicken's mother had just died.  But this did not really upset him, as any number of witnesses can attest.  In fact, he crossed just because the sun got in his eyes.

John Sununu (again):  I would argue that the chicken never crossed the road at all.  That it is a story concocted by the Clinton Administration to distract attention from their failed agriculture
policy. Where is the evidence that the chicken crossed the road? Where, Michael?

Michael Kinsley:  Oh, John, come on!  Everybody knows the chicken crossed the road.  What evidence do you need?  It's obvious that the chicken crossed the road.  Your whole argument is just a smoke and
mirror tactic to distract us from the fact that most chickens polled now back the Democratic Party.  You ought to be ashamed of yourself, John.

Siskel:  I don't know why it crossed the road, but I loved it.  Thumbs up!

Ebert:  I disagree.  The whole thing left the audience wondering; the chicken's crossing the road was never clearly explained and the chicken didn't emote very well.  It couldn't even speak English! Thumbs down.

Michael Kinsley:  But you both agree it did cross the road, right? See, John.  I'm right as usual.

 :)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 18 November 2007, 06:52:24 PM
If practice makes perfect but nobody is perfect,then why practice? ^-^
(by yanks)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: oddiezz on 19 November 2007, 09:15:57 AM
If practice makes perfect but nobody is perfect,then why practice? ^-^
(by yanks)

Nobody is perfect.
I am nobody.

Thus, I am perfect  :P
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 27 December 2007, 10:20:09 AM
Young and pretty lady wishes to marry a rich guy. Fantastic reply from a financial person

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:
Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York . My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden, $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

----------

Here's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later. ^-^

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me.

signed,
J.P. Morgan
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: oddiezz on 27 December 2007, 10:39:45 AM
Walking on water

Three monks decided to practise meditation together. they sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.
When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my the other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.

Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.

After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: oddiezz on 27 December 2007, 10:42:21 AM
A pilot is flying three people in a private plane - a Tibetan lama, and Bill Gates (the smartest man in the world), and a hippie.
Suddenly the pilot announces to his three passengers: "I have bad news for you. The plane is going to crash.
We have to bail out now. Unfortunately, we have only three parachutes. And since I am a terrific pilot, and I don't see any reason why I should die, I am taking one of them. Good luck!" And with that, he jumped out of the plane.

Bill Gates said: "Since I am the smartest man in the world, and very valuable to civilization, I am also going to take a parachute and save myself."
And with that, he leapt out of the plane.

The lama said to the hippie: "I have already lived a long and fruitful life and have no need to live longer. Therefore, you may take the remaining parachute."
"Relax, mannnn," said the hippie, putting the parachute on to the lama's back.
"The smartest man in the world just strapped himself into my backpack."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Huiono on 29 December 2007, 06:17:10 PM
Hahaha...
Very nice Jokes...
I can't stop laugh... especially about that Singlish+Hokien thingy...
Keep posting okay...

:))
:))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 30 December 2007, 10:53:40 AM
(http://neatorama.cachefly.net/images/2007-06/this-is-sparta-caution-cone.jpg)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: rista on 30 December 2007, 05:18:34 PM
so funny..
very very funny.... :))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: jamescoa on 04 January 2008, 08:18:19 PM
An Immigration Officer (IO) asked to Korean refugee (KR), “Your name, please…”

KR: PAK YU.

IO: f**k you, I said give me your full name!!

KR: PAK YU TU..
 ^-^
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Forte on 04 January 2008, 09:13:37 PM
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Huiono on 04 January 2008, 09:47:08 PM
 =))  =)) =)) =))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: mushroom_kick on 07 January 2008, 11:03:05 PM
 =)) =D>
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 09 January 2008, 11:47:05 AM
Boy: Are you free tonight?
Girl: Sorry, I am expensive.. ;D
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 10 January 2008, 12:19:49 AM
(http://www.seashell.com.au/images/cartoongallery/cartoon13.jpg)
"Yeah right! I carried this stuff through two subways,
three airport terminals and four parking lots -
now I'm going to pay you 10 bucks to put it in the elevator!"
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 10 January 2008, 12:20:01 AM
(http://www.seashell.com.au/images/cartoongallery/cartoon05.jpg)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: harta on 16 January 2008, 09:20:48 PM
Car Names

AUDI : Another Ugly Deutsche Invention

BMW : Brings Me Women but Broke My Wallet

FIAT : Failure in Italian Automotive Technology

FORD : Fast Only Rolling Downhill

HYUNDAI : Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable and Inexpensive

SAAB : Shape Appears Ass-Backwards

SUBARU : Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

VOLVO : Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

PORSCHE : Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: harta on 16 January 2008, 09:54:13 PM
Name to Avoid For Your Kids :

1) Anne Chang (in Mandarin) - Dirty

2) Anne Chin (in Mandarin) - Keep quiet
 
3) Carl Chng (in Hokkein) Buttock
 
4) Carmen Teng (in Hokkein) - Leg hair long
 
5) Corrine Tai (in Hokkein) - Poor fellow
 
6) Faye Chen (in Mandarin) Dusty
 
7) Henry Mah (in Mandarin) - Hate your mum
 
8) Henry Tan (in Hokkein) - Let you wait
 
9) Jane Tan (in Mandarin) - Fried egg
 
10) Judy Soo (in Mandarin) - Fated to lose.
 
11) Leslie Tong (in Mandarin) - Rubbish bin
 
12) Lucy Liaw (in Hokkein) - You are dead
 
13) Michael Tan (in Cantonese) - Selling eggs
 
14) Monica Cheng (in Hokkein) - Touch your buttock
 
15) Nelson Chong (in Mandarin) - Worms-infested bird
 
16) Nelson Tan (in Mandarin) - Bird laying eggs
 
17) Paul Chan (in Cantonese) - Bankrupt
 
18) Suzie Leow (in Hokkein) - Lost till death 
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Forte on 16 January 2008, 10:15:22 PM
Name to Avoid For Your Kids :

1) Anne Chang (in Mandarin) - Dirty

2) Anne Chin (in Mandarin) - Keep quiet
 
3) Carl Chng (in Hokkein) Buttock
 
4) Carmen Teng (in Hokkein) - Leg hair long
 
5) Corrine Tai (in Hokkein) - Poor fellow
 
6) Faye Chen (in Mandarin) Dusty
 
7) Henry Mah (in Mandarin) - Hate your mum
 
8) Henry Tan (in Hokkein) - Let you wait
 
9) Jane Tan (in Mandarin) - Fried egg
 
10) Judy Soo (in Mandarin) - Fated to lose.
 
11) Leslie Tong (in Mandarin) - Rubbish bin
 
12) Lucy Liaw (in Hokkein) - You are dead
 
13) Michael Tan (in Cantonese) - Selling eggs
 
14) Monica Cheng (in Hokkein) - Touch your buttock
 
15) Nelson Chong (in Mandarin) - Worms-infested bird
 
16) Nelson Tan (in Mandarin) - Bird laying eggs
 
17) Paul Chan (in Cantonese) - Bankrupt
 
18) Suzie Leow (in Hokkein) - Lost till death 
:)) :))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Hikoza83 on 17 January 2008, 11:48:14 AM
Chinese Names - Annie Wan(Anyone)  [A joke]

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no
one) as involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: mushroom_kick on 17 January 2008, 11:19:31 PM
Chinese Names - Annie Wan(Anyone)  [A joke]

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no
one) as involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

=)) =)) =)) :>- :>-
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Huiono on 17 January 2008, 11:57:27 PM
Hahaha...
Very funny...
I always wait for these some jokes...

:))  :)) :)) :))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: F.T on 18 February 2008, 11:09:39 PM
A true story from the Japanese Embassy in USA.

Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training
Before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton.
The instructor told Mori " Prime Minister, when you shake hand with
President Clinton, please say 'how are you'.
Then Mr. Clinton would say, "I am fine, and you?" Now you should say 'me too'.
Afterwards we the translators, will do all the work for you."
It looks quite simple, but the truth is ................
When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?"
Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
"Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha ha ha..."
Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.."
Then there was a long silent moment, in the meeting room. :|

:P
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Huiono on 28 February 2008, 02:04:41 PM
^
=))
:)) :))
=))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Hikoza83 on 01 March 2008, 10:27:44 AM
last night an angel walked in to my room.
I asked him to watch over u.
But he came back I asked him why. He said :
An angel doesn’t watch over another angel.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Hikoza83 on 01 March 2008, 10:28:11 AM
When I see a baby, I remember “ Teddy Bear Doll”.
When I see a little girl I remember “ Barbie doll”
But when  I see u, I remember “PANADOLL”.  :whistle:
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Hikoza83 on 01 March 2008, 10:29:04 AM
Good friends R like a computer :
they ‘enter’ur life,
‘save’ u in their heart,
‘format’ ur problems,
‘shift’ u 2 opportunities N
never ‘delete ‘ u from their memory!
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 07 March 2008, 11:06:07 PM
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself. :))

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to. ;D
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: morpheus on 09 March 2008, 09:41:13 PM
(http://img383.imageshack.us/img383/6223/funnyie4.jpg)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Forte on 09 March 2008, 10:03:33 PM
(http://img383.imageshack.us/img383/6223/funnyie4.jpg)
^:)^ ^:)^ ^:)^ **censored :))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Hikoza83 on 10 March 2008, 11:49:45 PM
I"ll get married next week.
There will be a small celebration & limited guest will be invited.
Please don’t bring any gift,
just bring me a right woman to marry.  :))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 09 April 2008, 11:42:22 AM
*HEAVEN* is when you have:
AMERICAN salary
GERMAN car
CHINESE food
INDONESIAN wife

*HELL* is when you have:
AMERICAN wife
GERMAN food
CHINESE car
INDONESIAN salary..

=)) =)) =))
^:)^
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Hikoza83 on 11 April 2008, 12:37:35 AM
cara minta naik gaji ke bos..

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately.

I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of your worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company .

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Quote
Spoiler for jawaban dari bos:

I kNOw you have been working very hard.

NOwadays, NOthing much has changed.

You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet .

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession.

After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad .

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean ..

=)) =)) =))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Forte on 15 April 2008, 10:53:58 AM
Few Funny Definitions

   
* School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
   
* Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
   
* Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
   
* Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
   
* Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.
   
* Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
   
* Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
   
* Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
   
* Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
   
* Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
   
* Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
   
* Father: A banker provided by nature.
   
* Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
   
* Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
   
* Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
   
* Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
   
* Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
   
* Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
   
* Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
   
* Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
   
* Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
   
* Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. 
   
* Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
   
* Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
   
* Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Kokuzo on 15 April 2008, 01:51:41 PM
Quote
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

errr....  ^-^
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 01 May 2008, 06:09:15 AM
Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
"My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610"

============ ========= ========= ======
Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

============ ========= ========= ========= ===
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

============ ========= ========= ========= ====
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

============ ========= ========= ========= ==
Ah Beng : People consider me as a "GOD"
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again.

============ ========= ========= ========= ====
Ah Beng complained to the police: "Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house."
Police: "How the thief did not take TV?"
Ah Beng : "I was watching TV news..."

============ ========= ========= ========= ==
Ah Beng  comes back 2 his car & find a note saying "Parking Fine"
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole "Thanks for compliment."

============ ========= ========= ========= ======
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Ah Beng  in a bar and his cellular phone rings.
He picks it up and Says "Hello, how did you know I was here?"

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng  - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is "u will go to jail"

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =====
Ah Beng told his servant: "Go and water the plants!"
Servant: "It's already raining."
Ah Beng : "So what? Take an umbrella and go."

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =====
A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and not in the morning 
Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Hikoza83 on 01 May 2008, 06:47:53 AM
Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
"My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610"

============ ========= ========= ======
Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

============ ========= ========= ========= ===
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

============ ========= ========= ========= ====
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

============ ========= ========= ========= ==
Ah Beng : People consider me as a "GOD"
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again.

============ ========= ========= ========= ====
Ah Beng complained to the police: "Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house."
Police: "How the thief did not take TV?"
Ah Beng : "I was watching TV news..."

============ ========= ========= ========= ==
Ah Beng  comes back 2 his car & find a note saying "Parking Fine"
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole "Thanks for compliment."

============ ========= ========= ========= ======
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Ah Beng  in a bar and his cellular phone rings.
He picks it up and Says "Hello, how did you know I was here?"

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng  - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is "u will go to jail"

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =====
Ah Beng told his servant: "Go and water the plants!"
Servant: "It's already raining."
Ah Beng : "So what? Take an umbrella and go."

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =====
A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and not in the morning 
Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM

 :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
ade2 aje Suhu.  ;D
tambahan catatan : nama dan kejadian hanya fiktif belaka. jika ada kesamaan nama tokoh dan kejadian, hal itu hanya kebetulan. :P
btw, temen gw ade yg namanya Ah Beng. =))


By : Zen
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 02 May 2008, 05:10:10 PM
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office
Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table, "Breakfast is on the
stove, I left early to go shopping -- Love you, Jill"
He stumbles to the kitchen, and sure enough, there is breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "What happened last night?"
Jack's son answers, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk out
of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got
that black eye when you ran into the door."
Jack says, "So, why a red rose, and breakfast on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,
you screamed, "'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!'"

·        Broken furniture - $ 885.26
·        Hot breakfast - $4.20
·        Red rose bud - $3.00
·        Two aspirins - $0.38
·        Saying the right thing, at the right time . . . .Priceless…
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 02 May 2008, 05:15:53 PM
·        Saying the right thing, at the right time . . . .Priceless…

Even though saying it unconsciously? :))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 02 May 2008, 05:32:17 PM
still it's priceless, better than saying something stupid, either consciously or inconsciously. :))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Hikoza83 on 03 May 2008, 06:12:56 PM
Kids in school think quick... ;D
________________________________________
TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS : Maria!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
TEACHER : John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
TEACHER : Goss, why do you ! always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO : Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
TEACHER : George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
TEACHER : Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Hikoza83 on 07 May 2008, 11:12:55 PM
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors [joke]

“If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,” boasts Gates, “you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.”

“Sure,” says the GM chairman. “But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?”
===
Q: What did Gates’ wife say to him on their wedding night?
A: Now I know why you called your company Micro-soft.
===
Q: What is the first computer ever invented?
A: Apple. Coz in the garden of Eden, Eve already touched & ate the apple.

http://wanhart.wordpress.com/2008/03/26/bill-gates-is-hanging-out-with-the-chairman-of-general-motors/
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 07 May 2008, 11:25:07 PM
Q: What is the first computer ever invented?
A: Apple. Coz in the garden of Eden, Eve already touched & ate the apple.

I don't understand this joke.. ???
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 17 June 2008, 11:33:41 AM
WARNING: Beer Contains Female Hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1. Argued over nothing. 8)
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. :D
3. Gained weight. ;D
4. Talked excessively without making sense. :-?
5. Became overly emotional. :-[
6. Couldn't drive.. :whistle:
7. Failed to think rationally. ^-^
8. Had to sit down while urinating. ::)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 17 June 2008, 12:27:12 PM
Deadlock Situation

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement.

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together.

Grandpa (the 1st boss) make call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.

Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we canceled our trip.

Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife has canceled her trip.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: This week we will have class as usual.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.

Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement... so on... ^-^
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 17 June 2008, 11:13:44 PM
Student's Joke... ;D

http://davidtse916.wordpress.com/2007/10/26/typical-student-emotions/
Title: Re: Joke campuran
Post by: uwi on 29 June 2008, 10:33:47 PM
FROGS

“Hey, can I ask you something? Why do human children dissect us?”
“It’s part of their education. They cut open our bodies in school and write reports about their findings.”
“Huh. Well, I guess it could be worse, right? I mean, at least we’re not dying in vain.”
“How do you figure?”
“Well, our deaths are furthering the spread of knowledge. It’s a huge sacrifice we’re making, but at least some good comes out of it.”
“Let me show you something.”
“What’s this?”
“It’s a frog-dissection report.”
“Who wrote it?”
“A fourteen-year-old human from New York City. Some kid named Simon.”
(Flipping through it.) “This is it? This is the whole thing?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Geez. It doesn’t look like he put a lot of time into this.”
“Look at the diagram on the last page.”
“Oh, my God . . . it’s so crude. It’s almost as if he wasn’t even looking down at the paper while he was drawing it. Like he was watching TV or something.”
“Read the conclusion.”
“ ‘In conclusion, frogs are a scientific wonder of biology.’ What does that even mean?”
“It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Why are the margins so big?”
“He was trying to make it look as if he had written five pages, even though he had only written four.”
“He couldn’t come up with one more page of observations about our dead bodies?”
“I guess not.”
“This paragraph looks like it was copied straight out of an encyclopedia. I’d be shocked if he retained any of this information.”
“Did you see that he spelled ‘science’ wrong in the heading?”
“Whoa . . . I missed that. That’s incredible.”
“He didn’t even bother to run it through spell-check.”
“Who did he dissect?”
“Harold.”
“Betsy’s husband? . So this is why Harold was killed. To produce this . . . ‘report.’ ”
(Nods.) “This is why his life was taken from him.”
(Long pause.)
“Well, at least it has a cover sheet.”
“Yeah. The plastic’s a nice touch.”
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 10 July 2008, 05:48:13 AM
Religious Husband

A HUSBAND COMES HOME FROM CHURCH;
 
HE GREETS HIS WIFE AND LIFTS HER UP. HE THEN CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE.

THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKED
'DID THE BISHOP PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC'?

THE HUSBAND SAID, 'NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS'..
 
 
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 10 July 2008, 05:51:04 AM
How technology change us

(http://i254.photobucket.com/albums/hh107/benzwu/jokes/pic05227.jpg)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 11 July 2008, 01:53:45 PM


THE SUCCESS OF MARRIAGE

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage
anniversary.

They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their
period of 25 years.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret
of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: " Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said:

"We had been to Shimla (hillstation in India) for honeymoon after marriage.
Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on
different horses.

My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to
be a crazy one.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.

Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and
said "This is your first time".

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it
happened again.

This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and
continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver
from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor
animal. Are you crazy?" ..

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"."

Husband: "That's it. We are happy ever after. "
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 11 July 2008, 01:54:58 PM
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

 Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flat mates".

About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?

"Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter. So he sat down and wrote:
DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS
THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:
DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Indra on 20 July 2008, 11:33:42 AM
 

A School Master from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a new School in Mumbai. He reported for duty two days after the actual date of joining. Consequently he was asked for an explanation in writing...

_________

Deer sur,

If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, ass I am not a good englis speaker.

This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly,but for the following region, too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment.

I tolded I has head ache problem due to migration. Still the clerk rejected to give ticket to I and my sun.

I putted a complain on station masterji.

He said I to go to the lady clerk.

At first she also rejected. I then pressed for long time and finally with great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun.

Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible for getting birth of my sun.

Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life.

I hope u will look into explain my hole story after,and late me joint first.

I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for your responsement.

May God blast you!"


Yours awfully,
yadav
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Indra on 20 July 2008, 11:45:43 AM
Advertisement In A Long Island Shop: Guitar, for sale....... Cheap....... ....no strings attached.


Ad.. In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!


Seen on a bulletin board: Success Is Relative.  More The Success, More The Relatives.




When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...I Gave Up Reading.


My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses... He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.


You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick.. Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off.


Sign In A Bar: "Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance."


Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.


Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.


The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.


Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.


Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You sleep Alone.


The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.


Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit: We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.


A Traffic Slogan: Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They  are Not Old Enough Or Else They Will Never Be.


Sign In A Restaurant: All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.


Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window: Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here. She May Be Your Grandmother !
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Huiono on 02 August 2008, 02:54:54 PM
Three men were traveling in a rain forest when they were suddenly ambushed by cannibals. They were tied up and taken to the cannibal's chief. The chief turned to the captives, then told them that if they could complete a task, they would go free.

"You must go into the jungle and bring back 10 of the same fruit. After that I shall give you the next set of instructions"

So the three went separates ways looking for fruits. The first man came back with 10 apples. The chief said "Now you must shove them in your anus without making any facial expressions or noise. If you do, we will kill you".

The man managed to push two in before wincing out in pain. He was immediately killed. The second man came back with 10 grapes. The chief gave him the same instructions. As the man was shoving in the last one, he suddenly burst out laughing. He was immediately killed.

In heaven, the first man met the second man.

"what happened? you were so close" the first man said.

"The second man replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy come back with pineapples"
============================================
Three insane murderers escaped from their jail cells. As they were headed for the exit, they saw a guard patrolling in front of them. The first man sneaked past him while making cat sounds. The second followed. As the third man sneaked past, he said "I'm a cat too".
============================================
Three people were trapped on an island when a magic lamp washed ashore. When they rubbed it, a genie came out and told them he would grant each of them 1 wish. The first two people wished to go home and so they did. The third person suddenly started crying.
"What's wrong?" the genie asked.

"The person said" I wish my friends came back"
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 25 August 2008, 06:48:40 PM
Legal & Logical
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterward, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 25 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 18 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 10 September 2008, 10:51:52 PM
1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

2. Brother wanted
Small boy wrote to Santa Claus, 'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?'
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!'

6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush.'
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 20 September 2008, 01:06:54 AM
(http://i337.photobucket.com/albums/n399/lexchandra/misc/1221722336.jpg)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Indra on 22 September 2008, 09:11:16 PM
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to Internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.


3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.

5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.

8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur money.

9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that?

Best regards,
Banta Singh
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 14 October 2008, 07:37:02 AM
Which one is more talkative ?

It's Bread !!!


because BreakTalk  and KopiTiam
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Rina Hong on 15 October 2008, 11:44:43 AM
 :))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: mushroom_kick on 24 October 2008, 10:22:01 AM
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
Teacher: What is your problem?
Boy: I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and
I'm smarter than she is. I think I should be in the third-grade too.

The teacher took the boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in
the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation
was.

The principal told her that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to
answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed.

The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: What is 3 x 3?
Boy: 9

Principal: What is 6 x 6?
Boy: 36

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. "I think the boy can go to the third-grade", said the
principal.

The teacher said she had some of her own questions to ask. The principal and
the boy agreed.

Teacher: What is it that a cow has four and I have only two?
Boy: (after a moment) Legs.

Teacher: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy: Pockets.

Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.

Teacher : What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes openned really wide and before he could stop the
answer, the boy was already answering.
Boy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes openned really wide and before he could stop the
answer...
Boy: Shake hands.

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get
wet before you do.
Boy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best
man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large vodka
peg.....
Boy: Wedding Ring.

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,
you feel good.
Boy: Nose

Teacher: I am a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in
'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck.

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' and if u dont get it u
have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.

Teacher : What is it that all men have one. It is longer for some men than
for others. The pope doesn't use his. Normally a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this
Boy to the University. I got the last ten questions wrong myself!
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: markosprawira on 20 November 2008, 11:32:44 AM
Boss: Where were you born?

Sardar : Punjab ..

Boss : which part ?

Sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in Punjab .  :P
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: markosprawira on 20 November 2008, 11:36:45 AM
Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto.

A man asks sardar : "why are you removing a wheel from your auto?"
 
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.  :))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: markosprawira on 20 November 2008, 11:45:32 AM
On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. "Darling on our engagement day, will you give me a ring?"
 
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile?  ^-^
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: markosprawira on 20 November 2008, 11:47:50 AM
In an interview

Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?

Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr......

Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.

Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...  :))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: markosprawira on 20 November 2008, 12:24:58 PM
At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!

Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: oddiezz on 27 November 2008, 08:24:56 AM
The $10 Bill

Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Eulalia opened a letter from home and found a ten dollar bill inside.

As she read the letter she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below. Quickly she wrote, “Don’t despair, Sister Eulalia” on a piece of paper, wrapped the ten dollar bill in it and dropped it out the window.

The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day Sister Eulalia was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her. She went down and found the stranger from teh night before waiting. Without a word he handed her a roll of bills.

“What’s this?” she asked.

“That’s the 60 bucks you have coming. Don’t Despair won by a nose in the fifth and paid five to one.”.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: oddiezz on 27 November 2008, 09:13:02 AM
Dead Dog

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that you’re dog is dead, too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: markosprawira on 02 December 2008, 01:46:05 PM
From Ventriloquist Shanthakumar, Chennai


1. Vent: How's that you came first in a sports event but you were not
given a prize. Come on... tell me what is that event?
Johny, the doll: It was slow cycle race!

2. Vent: Do you sing well?
Johny: I got second prize in my class.
Vent: Very good... How many participated?
Johny: Only two!

3. Vent: Ok... Tell me whether the winner sang well...?
Johny: No... He did not sing at all!
Vent: Then, how they selected him as winner?
Johny: They heard my song... Immediately, they selected him as winner.

4. Vent: Well, did you sing any song in public?
Johny: Once I did.
Vent: Then what happened?
Johny: The Chief Guest came and gave me Rs.2000/-
Vent: Very good. So, you got Rs.2000/- for your singing?
Johny: No... Only to stop my singing!

5. Vent: Why did you put on a cloth screen on your computer?
Johny: Because it has got windows!

6. Vent: What is the difference between you and the computer?
Johny: Computer "copy" and then paste...
But I paste and then (take) cofee!

7. Vent: Why did you have such a big password--Rama Lakshmana Seetha
Kaikeyee Ravana Dasaratha?
Johny: You only said that I should have six characters!

8. Vent: Do you know Actor Kamal Haasan?
Johny: Yes... He acted with me in the movie "Avargal". He is
residing opposite to my house!
Vent: Where is your house?
Johny: Opposite to his house!
Vent: Ok baba... Where are both the houses?
Johny: Opposite to each other!

9. Vent: You know anything about Rajinikanth?
Johny: I know his wife's name...
Vent: I myself don't know. Ok... What is her name?
Johny: Mrs Rajinikanth!

10. Vent: You like Kamal Haasan or Vikram?
Johny: I like Kamal Haasan...
Vent: Why?
Johny: He is "Indian"!
Vent: What about Vikram?
Johny: He is "Annian"!
Vent: Director Shankar booked as the hero for his next movie. What
is the name of the movie?
Johny: "Saniyan!"
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: mushroom_kick on 15 December 2008, 09:49:39 PM
WHAT IS MARRIAGE a 30 point answer?

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffeRING.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.

19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.

25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lighs on.

26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: markosprawira on 31 December 2008, 09:19:15 AM
Extra-large condoms


A woman walked into a convenience store and asked the clerk if they sold extra-large condoms.

He replied, "Yes, we do. Would you like to buy some?"

"No," she said, "but do you mind if I wait here until someone does?"
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: defact0r on 09 February 2009, 07:40:53 PM
so where is the joker??
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Elin on 11 March 2009, 06:03:36 PM
SURAT CINTA MBAK SUM                                                            
                                                                                 
Mbak Sum bermaksud memutuskan hubungan dengan kekasihnya bernama Robbie, seorang bule dari Amerika. Akan tetapi dia tak sanggup untuk bertemu muka dengan kekasihnya. Mak Sum menulis surat dengan berbekal pengetahuan bahasa Inggris & kamus tebal.

Isi suratnya sbb :                                                                                 
Hi Robbie, with this letter I want to give know you       
(hai Robbie, bersama surat ini saya ingin memberitahu kamu)

I WANT TO CUT CONNECTION US
(SAYA INGIN MEMUTUSKAN HUBUNGAN KITA)

I have think this very cook cook
(saya telah memikirkan hal ini masak masak)

I know my love only clap half hand
(saya tahu cinta saya hanya bertepuk sebelah tangan)

Correctly, I have see you go with a woman entertainment at town with my eyes and head myself (http://dl.glitter-graphics.net/pub/742/742481rubaj90658.gif) (http://www.glitter-graphics.com)
(sebenarnya, saya telah melihat kamu pergi bersama seorang wanita penghibur di kota dengan mata kepala saya sendiri)

You always ask apology back back times (http://www.pic4ever.com/images/tantrumsmiley.gif)
(kamu selalu minta maaf berulang ulang kali)

You eyes drop tears crocodile
(matamu mencucurkan airmata buaya)

You correct correct a man crocodile land
(kamu benar-benar seorang lelaki buaya darat)

My Friend speak you play fire
(teman saya bilang kamu bermain api)

Now I know you correct correct play fire (http://www.pic4ever.com/images/snapoutofit.gif)
(sekarang saya tahu kamu benar benar bermain api)

So, I break connection and pull body from love triangle this (http://www.pic4ever.com/images/kap.gif)
(jadi, saya putuskan hubungan dan menarik diri dari cinta segitiga ini)

I know result I pick this very correct, because you love she very big from me
(saya tahu keputusan yang saya ambil ini benar, karena kamu mencintai dia lebih besar dari saya)

But I still will not go far far from here
(namun saya tetap tidak akan pergi jauh-jauh dari sini)

I don't want you play play with my liver
(saya tidak ingin kamu main-main dengan hati saya)

I have been crying night night until no more eye water thinking about your body (http://www.pic4ever.com/images/bg2.gif)
(saya menangis bermalam-malam sampai tidak ada lagi air mata memikirkan dirimu)

I don't want to sick my liver for two times
(saya tidak mau sakit hati untuk kedua kalinya)

Safe walk, Robbie
(selamat jalan, Robbie)

Girl friend of your liver
(kekasih hatimu)

Note:
this river I forgive you, next river I kill you ! (http://www.pic4ever.com/images/t5.gif)
(kali ini aku maafkan kamu, kali lain kubunuh kau !)


Semoga Semua Makhluk Berbahagia,
Elin
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 18 March 2009, 10:17:09 AM
Q: why six is afraid of seven?

A: Because 7 8 (ate) 9 ^-^
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 18 March 2009, 10:42:45 AM
Have A Drink

A badminton player and a tennis player get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are heavily damaged, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the badminton player spots the other's tennis gear and says, "So you're a tennis player, that's interesting. I'm a badminton player ... Gosh! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The tennis player replied: "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The badminton player continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the tennis player. The tennis layer nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big gulps from the bottle, then hands it back to the badminton player.

The badminton player takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the tennis player. The tennis player asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The badminton player replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police to turn up and sort this out ..."

GOTCHA.. =))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 19 March 2009, 07:52:45 AM
Masculine or Feminine?


A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won. :o
Title: Great Doctor
Post by: Indra on 22 March 2009, 02:04:37 PM
Love this DOCTOR!!!!

 

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

 

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? 

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.   

 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).

 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!   

 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.   

 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! 

 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening... . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?   

 

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.   

 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!   

 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.   

 

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

 A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! ! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

 
And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways

 
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!

 
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: aitristina on 23 June 2009, 11:28:59 PM
5 DON'TS when you are sleeping.
Posted by: "Wanda Natalia" wanda.natalia [at] yahoo.com   wanda.natalia
Sun Jun 21, 2009 9:00 pm (PDT)




1 - DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH
Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health.

2 - DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA
Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it.

3 - DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE
Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put your mo! bile phone near you, switch it off first.

4 - DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP
People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty in breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.

Lastly......

5 - DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE / HUSBAND
You may never wake up again. : )

>
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Elin on 01 July 2009, 11:14:14 AM
5 DON'TS when you are sleeping.

include some jokes in English? ???
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Elin on 01 July 2009, 11:24:37 AM
Jet Li walked into a pub in New York with his pal.
He says to his pal: Hey! That's Steven Spielberg over there! God, I wish he'll come over to say hi.

Spielberg suddenly walked over and gave the man a punch on the nose.
Jet Li      : Hey!! What's that for?!
Spielberg : You bloody Japanese killed my granddad when you bombed Pearl Harbour!
Jet Li      : I'm not Japanese! I'm Chinese!
Spielberg : Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, you're all the same!

Spielberg walks back to the other side.
Then Jet Li calmly walks over to Spielberg and gives him a really heavy punch on the face.

Spielberg : Hey! Wha' that's for..... !?!
Jet Li      : YOU BLOODY *******! YOU SANK THE TITANIC!
Spielberg : No, I didn't, an iceberg sank the Titanic!
Jet Li      : Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you're all the same!
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Elin on 01 July 2009, 11:27:38 AM
A Man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No", replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouted back, "And do you know who you are talking to, you fool?"
"No.", replied the Managing Director.
"Good!", replied the trainee who quickly put down the phone!
Title: Whats Matter Honey...?
Post by: Indra on 28 January 2010, 10:05:22 PM
A wife awoke early one morning to the sounds of her husband angrily banging around pots and pans in the kitchens.

When she goes downstairs, she sees that he is looking for something to eat but, more importantly, is very upset about something.


"What's the problem, darling? Didn't your program work?"

"It worked. I wrote that code until the wee hours of the morning, and it worked!"


"Then what's the matter? Were there a lot of bugs in it?"

"I took special pains to eliminate the bugs. It worked, and it worked perfectly!"


"So what's wrong?"

"I was so tired when I finished, I decided to take a little nap, just for a few minutes."


"Did you not sleep well? Did you have a nightmare?" the concerned wife inquired.

"No, I slept perfectly well ... with my head on the backspace key."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 09 April 2010, 12:09:10 AM
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it...'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it! :o
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 09 April 2010, 12:10:00 AM
I stopped at Mc Donald's and ordered some fries.

The girl behind the counter said "would you like some fries with that?"  :))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 12 April 2010, 01:25:21 AM
Politician: “Step right up here voter. Let me tell you what I’m going to do for you. First you need to lend me a hundred dollars.”

Voter: “But will I get my money back?"

Politician: “Sure! Lend me a hundred bucks, but only give me fifty now. That way, you’ll owe me fifty bucks, I’ll owe you fifty bucks, and we’ll call it even.”  8-} 8-} 8-}
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 25 February 2011, 11:45:50 AM
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: No Pain No Gain on 25 February 2011, 11:59:43 AM
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

humanitarian eats compassion and affection ;D
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Indra on 25 February 2011, 12:02:45 PM
humanitarian eats compassion and affection ;D

you don't get the joke, humanitarian certainly eat humans
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: bluppy on 15 September 2012, 01:40:00 PM
This is an actual transcript of a radio conversation between a US Naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE; WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: bluppy on 15 September 2012, 01:49:20 PM
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo,(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on he curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you
think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

=======================================================

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile,
they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the
engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake
-- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way."
I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers,
"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: bluppy on 15 September 2012, 02:12:35 PM
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.

The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.

Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,
"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so.
"One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
The Pope slaps her.

Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: bluppy on 15 September 2012, 02:15:54 PM
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down in the same row. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station.. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: collins on 20 September 2012, 09:25:00 PM
One day in a language school in Australia.

Teacher : "All right, now I'd like you to make a sentence using the
words
GREEN, PINK and YELLOW. Who'd like to try?"

A student raised his hand. It was Kukoya from Japan.
Kukoya : "Early this morning, I looked out the window, I saw the GREEN
grass and PINK roses in the garden. I went outside and I feel the warm
                YELLOW sunlight around me."
Teacher : "Not bad. Okay, who's next?"

Another student raised his hand. It was Ah Beng from Singapore.
Ah Beng : "I try! I try. Can aaah?"
Teacher : "No, no, not you!"
Ah Beng : "Aaaiiyaaa.. . let me try lah... I can do lah... you think I'm
stupid meeh..?"
Teacher : "Okay.. go ahead..."
Ah Beng : "This morning I heard the phone GREEEEEN... GREEEEEN... I PINK
up
and I said YELLOOOOW?"
Teacher : ??


 ^:)^ =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: bluppy on 20 October 2012, 05:39:59 PM
How Many Forum Members Does It Takes To Change A Light Bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 to hijack the thread and ask how to change the horn

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: bluppy on 20 October 2012, 06:13:26 PM
Obama; Putin and SBY went to see God.

Obama asked God "when will my country come out of recession".
"100 years," God said. Obama started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day".

Putin asked God "When will my country become prosperous?" "50 years," came the reply.
Putin also started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day"

Finally SBY asked God, "When will my country become corruption-free?" .God started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day"
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: bluppy on 20 October 2012, 06:19:25 PM
The World explained by 2 cows…

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.


COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.


FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.


BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.


VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.


A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.


A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.


A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.


A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.
   
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: bluppy on 20 October 2012, 06:21:33 PM
Views on Shit

Taoism:
Shit happens.

Buddhism:
If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Islam:
If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

Protestantism:
Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism:
Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism:
This shit happened before.

Catholicism:
Shit happens because you're bad.

Hare Krishna:
Shit happens rama rama.

T.V. Evangelism:
Send more shit.

Atheism:
No shit.

Jehova's Witness:
Knock knock, shit happens.

Hedonism:
There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science:
Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism:
Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Rastafarianism:
Let's smoke this shit.

Existentialism:
What is shit anyway?

Stoicism:
This shit doesn't bother me.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Mas Tidar on 20 October 2012, 07:41:18 PM

Indonesian
You have 2 cows
their live will be no longer after 26th Oct

Spoiler: ShowHide
The World explained by 2 cows…

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.


COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.


FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.


BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.


VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.


A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.


A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.


A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.


A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.

Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: bluppy on 22 October 2012, 05:54:04 PM
Title: Re: Whats Matter Honey...?
Post by: M14ka on 24 October 2012, 03:20:11 PM
A wife awoke early one morning to the sounds of her husband angrily banging around pots and pans in the kitchens.

When she goes downstairs, she sees that he is looking for something to eat but, more importantly, is very upset about something.


"What's the problem, darling? Didn't your program work?"

"It worked. I wrote that code until the wee hours of the morning, and it worked!"


"Then what's the matter? Were there a lot of bugs in it?"

"I took special pains to eliminate the bugs. It worked, and it worked perfectly!"


"So what's wrong?"

"I was so tired when I finished, I decided to take a little nap, just for a few minutes."


"Did you not sleep well? Did you have a nightmare?" the concerned wife inquired.

"No, I slept perfectly well ... with my head on the backspace key."

He must have forgot to back up  :))
(grammarnya benar ga ya? )
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: will_i_am on 24 October 2012, 03:59:03 PM
forgotten  :)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 24 October 2012, 04:05:13 PM
Sptnya forgot jg bole deh...  :-?
for·got
   [fer-got] Show IPA
verb
a simple past tense and past participle of forget.

source (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/forgot)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: will_i_am on 24 October 2012, 08:53:21 PM
Sptnya forgot jg bole deh...  :-?
for·got
   [fer-got] Show IPA
verb
a simple past tense and past participle of forget.

source (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/forgot)
bisa juga ya... ;D
Title: Re: Whats Matter Honey...?
Post by: M14ka on 25 October 2012, 08:36:54 AM
He must have forgot to back up  :))

atau he must have forgot to make a back up file.  :-?
Title: I was going to kill myself today !!!
Post by: Mas Tidar on 26 October 2012, 10:58:05 AM
I was going to kill myself today by taking a thousand aspirin. But after taking the first two I felt better.  ;D
Title: onion ?
Post by: Mas Tidar on 26 October 2012, 10:58:54 AM
An opinion without 3.142 is onion
Title: Re: onion ?
Post by: will_i_am on 26 October 2012, 11:40:40 AM
Man:    "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God:    "So you would love her."

Man:    "But God, why did you make her so dumb?"

God:    "So she would love you."


Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sumedho on 26 October 2012, 08:55:54 PM
A: Hi there, do you want to know god?
B: ok
A: Nice to meet you!
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Indra on 26 October 2012, 08:59:35 PM
A: Hi there, do you want to know god?
B: ok
A: Nice to meet you!


mentang2 tuhan
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: will_i_am on 26 October 2012, 09:02:39 PM
A: Hi there, do you want to know god?
B: ok
A: Nice to meet you!
:hammer:

:)) :)) :))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 27 October 2012, 09:19:17 AM
A: Hi there, do you want to know god?
B: ok
A: Nice to meet you!

Nice to meet you too  lovely god :))
Title: alcohol
Post by: Mas Tidar on 16 November 2012, 08:33:48 PM
They say so many people die because of alcohol.
They never realized how many of them are born because of it.
Title: Best Divorce Letter Ever
Post by: Chen Hui Ling on 06 December 2012, 06:30:06 PM
(http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Best+divorce+letter+ever_6bdfe3_4140289.jpg)
Title: Re: Best Divorce Letter Ever
Post by: M14ka on 07 December 2012, 01:19:29 PM
(http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Best+divorce+letter+ever_6bdfe3_4140289.jpg)

Ga keliatan apa"
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Chen Hui Ling on 07 December 2012, 01:25:13 PM
di tempatku udah keluar gambar kok cc miaka :o
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: bluppy on 07 December 2012, 01:27:19 PM
di tempatku udah keluar gambar kok cc miaka :o

di tempat saya juga ngk keliatan gambar apapun
Title: Best Divorce Letter Ever
Post by: Chen Hui Ling on 07 December 2012, 01:33:04 PM
[img]http://ratsfunnybone.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/best-divorce-letter-ever-thumb.jpg[img]

udah nongol kah?
Title: Re: Best Divorce Letter Ever
Post by: M14ka on 07 December 2012, 01:34:43 PM
(http://ratsfunnybone.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/best-divorce-letter-ever-thumb.jpg)

udah nongol kah?

udaaa  ;D
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Chen Hui Ling on 07 December 2012, 01:40:04 PM
finally :|
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: kullatiro on 07 December 2012, 02:04:48 PM
walah nice letter with sharp edge of serpent.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: will_i_am on 07 December 2012, 02:08:30 PM
:))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 07 December 2012, 02:09:21 PM
lotre apa yg dpt 100 M yaa....
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: havermutz on 13 December 2012, 12:41:12 AM
I agree with the quote on the letter " everything happens for a reason "  :)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 18 February 2013, 12:47:34 PM
A bachelor asks a computer dating agency to find him the perfect mate. ‘I want a companion who is small and cute,’ he says. ‘She must love water sports and enjoy group activities.’ The computer says, ‘Marry a penguin.’
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 21 February 2013, 09:33:39 AM
Because my grandmother mislays her keys, I bought her a key tag that beeps in response to certain sounds. She decided on the word "Mama."
During one of my visits, a neighbor took me aside and suggested I might have to pay more attention to the elderly lady. Yesterday, he said, he had seen her roaming through her house, calling for her mother and looking for her in drawers and closets.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 21 February 2013, 10:15:46 AM
A man visited a fortuneteller and sat down in front of her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children," she said.
"That's what you think," the man replied. "I'm the father of three children."
The fortuneteller smiled and said, "That's what you think."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 22 February 2013, 09:05:42 AM
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?" Without looking up from his newspaper, my husband replied,"about ten years."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 22 February 2013, 10:04:26 AM
Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand.
Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."
"Good," my dad quickly answered. "Wash it again!"
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: shellylie. on 22 February 2013, 01:26:49 PM
That's so funny. :P
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 26 February 2013, 09:32:30 AM
Every morning I do a combination of yoga and exercises in the living room. As I was kneeling one day with arms out stretched and head bowed to the floor, my son came down the stairs. He looked at me and said, " A simple 'Good morning' will do!"
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 27 February 2013, 09:30:43 AM
One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall. On my return, I noticed how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit. When I finally entered the house, I called out, "The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 27 February 2013, 09:45:07 AM
Each sunday in church I noticed a gray-haired couple who sat holding hands just like newlyweds. Finally I couldn't stand being quiet any longer and remarked to the wife how wonderful it was that they were still so much in love. "Love has nothing to do with it," she replied. "I hold Harold's hand to keep him from cracking his knuckles."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 28 February 2013, 12:19:52 PM
Two brothers were getting ready to boil some eggs to color the Easter. "I'll give you a dollar if you let me break three of these on your head," said the older one.
"Promise?" asked the younger.
"Promise!"
Gleefully, the older boy broke two eggs over his brother's head. Standing stiff for fear and the gooey mess would get all over him, the little boy asked, "When is the third egg coming?"
"It's not," replied the brother. "That would cost me a dollar."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 28 February 2013, 01:24:38 PM
A teacher was describing the Statue of Liberty to her second-grades. She explained that Lady Liberty held a torch in one hand and a tablet, which was something like a book, in the other. Then she asked the students if they knew why the statue held a torch. One youngster raised his hand and answered, "Because you're not supposed to read in the dark."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: will_i_am on 28 February 2013, 01:45:41 PM
The Bunny's Gone  :o :o :o
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 28 February 2013, 01:50:20 PM
The Bunny's Gone  :o :o :o

???
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: will_i_am on 28 February 2013, 03:08:21 PM
???
kelincinya hilang tadi... :))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: bluppy on 28 February 2013, 03:08:59 PM
???

profile picture m14ka bunny nya hilang kali maksudnya
eitss...salah, kayanya dari dulu bukan gambar bunny yag?
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 28 February 2013, 03:09:16 PM
kelincinya hilang tadi... :))

iaa....  td br nyadar.... :'(
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: will_i_am on 28 February 2013, 04:41:18 PM
profile picture m14ka bunny nya hilang kali maksudnya
eitss...salah, kayanya dari dulu bukan gambar bunny yag?
ukan di profile pic cc, di signaturenya.. ;D
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 01 March 2013, 01:04:36 PM
A man was standing at a corner, with a hat in each hand, waiting for handouts.
A passer-by stopped and dropped a coin in one hat, then asked, "What's the other hat for?"
"Business has been so tremendous lately," the man replied, "that I decided to open a branch office."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 01 March 2013, 02:13:15 PM
We were leaving a football game in a throng of people, and my husband, who never displays affection in public, took my hand.
I was delighted. As we walked hand in hand out of the stadium, I look up at him, smiling, and asked, "You don't want to lose me?"
"No," he said. "I don't want to look for you."
 :hammer:
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 03 March 2013, 11:54:44 AM
A friend of mine who was willed an expensive fur coat by a relative wore it proudly to church.... while there, one man asked her "and what unfortunate creature had to die in order for you to wear the coat?"
Glaring at him, she responded, "My aunt"
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 04 March 2013, 12:35:01 PM
An insurance agent talking to a prospective client at her home pointed to an exquisite vase on the mantel.
"Do you keep anything in it?" he asked.
"Yes -- my husband's ashes."
"I'm so sorry," apologized the agent. "I didn't know he was deceased."
"He isn't -- he just too lazy to hunt for an ashtray."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 04 March 2013, 01:11:43 PM
We were discussing reincarnation, and most of us were thinking of coming back as doctors, lawyers, actresses. Then one friend broke the trend: "I'd like to come back as a bear," she said.
"Why?" we asked.
"I would finally have a fur coat, I would sleep all winter -- and I wouldn't have to worry about my waistline."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: sanjiva on 04 March 2013, 01:17:51 PM
We were discussing reincarnation, and most of us were thinking of coming back as doctors, lawyers, actresses. Then one friend broke the trend: "I'd like to come back as a bear," she said.
"Why?" we asked.
"I would finally have a fur coat, I would sleep all winter -- and I wouldn't have to worry about my waistline."

Something that's in all ladies mind and wish.  ;D
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 05 March 2013, 04:27:21 PM
A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the den. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
The girl looked at her father and said, "It was Mom."
"How do you know?"
"She didn't say anything"
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 06 March 2013, 01:08:01 PM
Some English friends sent thier youngster to stay with a family in Holland. Before he left, they lectured him not to be a little Englander and to respect Dutch customs, whatever they might be.
All went well until he was asked what he thought of the cheese he had had for breakfast. "Tastes a bit like soap," he said without thinking.
Remembering his promise to his parents, he recovered adroitly, "Not that I don't like soap."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 07 March 2013, 11:31:38 AM
During my first day managing the kitchen of an old plantation restaurant, I noticed that one of the waiters was always smiling. After several days passed he still wore a cheerful grin, so I decided to ask what his secret was.
"You must be a happy man," I Said. "How do you always keep smiling?"
He relaxed his smile and held his finger to his forehead. "Actually," he replied, "It's the only way to hold up my glasses while I work."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: sanjiva on 07 March 2013, 01:02:33 PM
During my first day managing the kitchen of an old plantation restaurant, I noticed that one of the waiters was always smiling. After several days passed he still wore a cheerful grin, so I decided to ask what his secret was.
"You must be a happy man," I Said. "How do you always keep smiling?"
He relaxed his smile and held his finger to his forehead. "Actually," he replied, "It's the only way to hold up my glasses while I work."

Yg ini gw kurang ngerti, glasses di situ kacamata atau gelas?  dan mengapa harus di-hold pake pipi?  :-?
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 07 March 2013, 01:05:22 PM
Yg ini gw kurang ngerti, glasses di situ kacamata atau gelas?  dan mengapa harus di-hold pake pipi?  :-?

glasses di sini artinya kacamata. dia senyum lebar supaya kacamatanya ngga jatuh.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: DragonHung on 07 March 2013, 01:22:24 PM
K. E. P. O.

 :))  :))  :))  :))  :))
(Knowing Every Particulary Object)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: sanjiva on 07 March 2013, 01:30:33 PM
glasses di sini artinya kacamata. dia senyum lebar supaya kacamatanya ngga jatuh.

Kenapa bisa jatuh kalo ada gagang kacamata yg nyantel di telinga?  Kecuali dia ga punya telinga  ::)

I still don't got it.  :-?
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 07 March 2013, 01:32:53 PM
Kenapa bisa jatuh kalo ada gagang kacamata yg nyantel di telinga?  Kecuali dia ga punya telinga  ::)

I still don't got it.  :-?

mungkin kacamatanya kebesaran wkwkwk....
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 07 March 2013, 01:44:11 PM
A woman who called at our house selling goods for a charity had a cut finger that was bleeding profusely. I suggested she come in and have it attended to. This she did.
About 20 minutes later, another woman representing the same charity came to the door. I explained that someone had already called, and without thinking added, "As the matter of fact, that's her blood on the doorstep."
No wonder the poor woman beat a hasty retreat.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Lex Chan on 07 March 2013, 04:02:05 PM
Kenapa bisa jatuh kalo ada gagang kacamata yg nyantel di telinga?  Kecuali dia ga punya telinga  ::)

I still don't got it.  :-?

kira2 begini ilustrasinya:
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GYJ2CrVGYTE/Tk01DFdHEQI/AAAAAAAAARY/jyNfNKyxLxw/s320/20110817_shinsekyung_selca-460x615.jpg)


kalo dia ga senyum, pipinya ga melebar.. sehingga kacamatanya melorot..
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: sanjiva on 07 March 2013, 06:49:47 PM
kira2 begini ilustrasinya:
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GYJ2CrVGYTE/Tk01DFdHEQI/AAAAAAAAARY/jyNfNKyxLxw/s320/20110817_shinsekyung_selca-460x615.jpg)


kalo dia ga senyum, pipinya ga melebar.. sehingga kacamatanya melorot..

Karena hidungnya manclem atau karena muka yang kecil tapi memaksakan pakai kacamuka ya?  :))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 11 March 2013, 11:41:18 AM
When we got our long-distance phone bill, we found that our daughter, Cathy, had been making 60-minutes calls to a boyfriend away at college.
"From now on," her father said firmly, "your calls are limited to five minutes."
"Dad, what can I say in five-minutes?" Cathy wailed.
"Call me back," he answered.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 11 March 2013, 03:25:47 PM
First man: "I haven't been able to sleep for weeks. If I don't come up with $17.000 by tomorrow I'll be bankrupt. "
Second man: "Why didn't you come to me? We are friends, aren't we?
First man: "Does that mean you'll lend me the money?"
Second man: "No, but I've got some great sleeping pills."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 14 March 2013, 09:01:34 AM
A train was just pulling out of the station, when a couple rushed onto the platform where I was waiting for my own train.
All out of breath, they sat down beside me and started berating each other.
"If you hadn't dawdled so with your shopping," said the man, "we'd have made the train."
"And if you hadn't run so fast," retorted the woman, "we wouldn't have to wait so long for the next one."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 20 March 2013, 03:57:24 PM
while traveling on a plane, I met a reporter.
Reporter (R) : Hello, so glad to meet U
Me (M) : Thank U, me too.
R : aha...U are an Indonesian...!
M : how come U can recognised me as an Indonesian?
R : Sure, I can recognised U as an Indonesian because of U wrapped your documents with plastic bag ! Only Indonesian had such habbits.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: sanjiva on 20 March 2013, 04:09:18 PM
while traveling on a plane, I met a reporter.
Reporter (R) : Hello, so glad to meet U
Me (M) : Thank U, me too.
R : aha...U are an Indonesian...!
M : how come U can recognised me as an Indonesian?
R : Sure, I can recognised U as an Indonesian because of U wrapped your documents with plastic bag ! Only Indonesian had such habbits.

Maksudnya dilaminating?  ::)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 20 March 2013, 04:15:43 PM
Maksudnya dilaminating?  ::)

hahaha....bukan bro Sanjiva, tapi didalam tas yang saya caklong, semua ijasah sy (tentu sudah dlm bentuk laminating) itu saya kreseki... ;D
puiihhh....maluuuu....bangettt..... ^-^
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: sanjiva on 20 March 2013, 04:21:53 PM
hahaha....bukan bro Sanjiva, tapi didalam tas yang saya caklong, semua ijasah sy (tentu sudah dlm bentuk laminating) itu saya kreseki... ;D
puiihhh....maluuuu....bangettt..... ^-^

So, this is real story then.  :D
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 20 March 2013, 04:35:28 PM
So, this is real story then.  :D

Sure bro...real story but I think it is so funny also, we are Indonesian so famous whom wrapped using plastic bag for documents..... ;D
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 21 March 2013, 08:40:08 PM
**still the story of Indonesian with the plastic habit

At the page of Facebook, many western girls drink juice of fruit using plastic pack.
Me (M) : hahaha...this picture taken in Indonesia.
Lopez (L) : how come you can guess it is taken in Indonesia.
M : Why not? I can guess it correctly because of all of you using plastic pack to drink this kind of juice.
L : Yes, you are correct, but how come you can guess it correctly ?
M : Sure I can, because of I'm Indonesian, only at Indonesia whom had that habbit, the street's traders in Indonesia only using plastic pack to wrap the beverages.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 22 March 2013, 01:02:25 PM
To offset the depression I felt at reaching my 30th birthday, I treated myself to a new hairdo and a new outfit. Walking down the street, I was flattered when two young men waved at me, saying something in Spanish. Acting the proper lady, I ignored them, tossing my head haughtily as I marched resolutely onward. A third man tried to speak to me as I strode past his car. He finally leaned his head out of window and yelled, "Ma'am, they're trying to tell you -- you're walking in their wet cement."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: will_i_am on 29 March 2013, 01:30:22 PM
Sure bro...real story but I think it is so funny also, we are Indonesian so famous whom wrapped using plastic bag for documents..... ;D
if wrapping documents using plastic is funny, then what about Korean using plastic on their face??  :P
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: sanjiva on 29 March 2013, 02:29:57 PM
if wrapping documents using plastic is funny, then what about Korean using plastic on their face??  :P

It's pretty then  ;D
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 15 April 2013, 01:37:37 PM
When the famous movie star sat down in a hotel lobby, an obnoxious man started heckling him. The actor ignored the insults, but the two female fans were unable to. They not only gave the loudmouth a tongue-lashing, but actually started to hit him until he  fled the scene.
The star thanked the women for their support and asked one, "Did you actually slap that man with this dainty little hand?"
"Yes,"she answered. And the actor gallantly kissed her hand.
He then turned to the other woman, who quickly stated, "I bit him."
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 16 April 2013, 07:04:00 PM
Actually this is true story.

In the Alms-giving, the devotees put in the plates of monks one by one, all of them neatly queued.
Most of monks make sign "shaking head" and the meal put on the plate then.
Indonesian monk who does same thing with them but he didn't get that meal.
But this monk only keep quite because of very shamed at that time.
After come to the Vihara then he asked to another monk,
"why he didn't get the meal, even he makes that "shaking head" same with them ?
The monk replied him : What's your nationality ?
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 17 April 2013, 09:21:09 AM
Actually this is true story.

In the Alms-giving, the devotees put in the plates of monks one by one, all of them neatly queued.
Most of monks make sign "shaking head" and the meal put on the plate then.
Indonesian monk who does same thing with them but he didn't get that meal.
But this monk only keep quite because of very shamed at that time.
After come to the Vihara then he asked to another monk,
"why he didn't get the meal, even he makes that "shaking head" same with them ?
The monk replied him : What's your nationality ?

In what country did it take place?
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: sanjiva on 17 April 2013, 10:43:30 AM
In what country did it take place?

India maybe, where they shake their head for yes gesture ?
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 17 April 2013, 02:03:52 PM
In what country did it take place?

Sis M14ka, if U don't mind I would like to keep the name of country, because of I want to keep the name of the monk, if U know the name of country then U will can guess the name of Indonesian monk....hehehe.... ;D

India maybe, where they shake their head for yes gesture ?

Bro Sanjiva, the shaking head for said yes not only India, but huge land of India formerly, like Pakistan, Afghanistan, Bangladesh, Tamil, etc.  ;D

Anyway this funny story really happened, therefore I wld like to share this story to this forum that don't  follow local habit because of they know our nationality that its mean "NO", otherwise will wrong happend. ;D

Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: sanjiva on 17 April 2013, 03:05:40 PM
Sis M14ka, if U don't mind I would like to keep the name of country, because of I want to keep the name of the monk, if U know the name of country then U will can guess the name of Indonesian monk....hehehe.... ;D

It is not embarassing experience nor humiliate him, I think it doesn't have to be keep secret. IMHO.

Just some kind of funny moments like Ajahn Brahm usually told in his tour d'Indonesie.  Ah, we Asians are differ than Westerner in openess and sense of humor.  :)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 17 April 2013, 03:19:40 PM
Sis M14ka, if U don't mind I would like to keep the name of country, because of I want to keep the name of the monk, if U know the name of country then U will can guess the name of Indonesian monk....hehehe.... ;D

Bro Sanjiva, the shaking head for said yes not only India, but huge land of India formerly, like Pakistan, Afghanistan, Bangladesh, Tamil, etc.  ;D

Anyway this funny story really happened, therefore I wld like to share this story to this forum that don't  follow local habit because of they know our nationality that its mean "NO", otherwise will wrong happend. ;D

But i'm curious how they know our nationality without asking?

It is not embarassing experience nor humiliate him, I think it doesn't have to be keep secret. IMHO.

Just some kind of funny moments like Ajahn Brahm usually told in his tour d'Indonesie.  Ah, we Asians are differ than Westerner in openess and sense of humor.  :)

Talking about it, I suddenly remember one really funny moments that Ajahn Brahm ever said.  :))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: sanjiva on 17 April 2013, 03:37:50 PM
Talking about it, I suddenly remember one really funny moments that Ajahn Brahm ever said.  :))

The latest joke he told was about how he sucked hard the straw in his glass of drink he received from his laymen in some place (Singapore maybe  :-?).  The harder he sucked but still the drink didn't come out from the straw in his mouth.

Many faces were making little smile before him, then finally he found that the straw he sucked hard was a somekind of stiring spoon. A little one.  :)) :))

And he proudly told this story in public to us and many people.  :D
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 17 April 2013, 03:41:42 PM
The latest joke he told was about how he sucked hard the straw in his glass of drink he received from his laymen in some place (Singapore maybe  :-?).  The harder he sucked but still the drink didn't come out from the straw in his mouth.

Many faces were making little smile before him, then finally he found that the straw he sucked hard was a somekind of stiring spoon. A little one.  :)) :))

And he proudly told this story in public to us and many people.  :D

 :o I also think about the same story..!! That's really funnyyy ya..... :))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: sanjiva on 17 April 2013, 03:43:29 PM
:o I also think about the same jokes..!! That's really funnyyy ya..... :))

Aiyaaaa, he told the same funny story in every place he goes.  :))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 18 April 2013, 11:52:42 AM
It is not embarassing experience nor humiliate him, I think it doesn't have to be keep secret. IMHO.

Just some kind of funny moments like Ajahn Brahm usually told in his tour d'Indonesie.  Ah, we Asians are differ than Westerner in openess and sense of humor.  :)

But i'm curious how they know our nationality without asking?

Talking about it, I suddenly remember one really funny moments that Ajahn Brahm ever said.  :))

 [at]  bro Sanjiva and sis M14ka,
I think I not dare enough yet to tell it, very sorry to make both of U disappointed  ;D
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: M14ka on 18 April 2013, 12:41:28 PM
[at]  bro Sanjiva and sis M14ka,
I think I not dare enough yet to tell it, very sorry to make both of U disappointed  ;D

No problem at all Granny...  ;D
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 18 April 2013, 12:57:01 PM
No problem at all Granny...  ;D

hahahaaa...so sweet to hear U call me Granny.....I lov it, thx  a lot dear sis M14ka..... =)) :jempol:
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 20 April 2013, 10:48:09 AM
But i'm curious how they know our nationality without asking?

Talking about it, I suddenly remember one really funny moments that Ajahn Brahm ever said.  :))

 [at] sis M14ka,
Really so sorry I was forgot to respond it.
They can recognised us easily cos of our appearance very difference with them totally.
Without asking our nationality they can guess easily, cos of our appearance as Indonesia, Malaysia, etc (commonly ASEAN people). ;D
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 12 May 2013, 11:34:35 PM
When I came to my class, the lecture already done and I was late.
Me (M) : Excuse me Ven, very sorry Im late.
Lecturer (L) : Why U late ?
M : No bus, Ven.
L : What ?? what U said ?? in our country no bus ?
M : Very sorry not like that, at that time no bus, because all buses said 'NO' to me
L : So, how come U can come here ?
M : I still get on the bus eventhough they said 'NO'
L : Oh I see, U R not Us.

(*** all the bus always shake their head when I asked whether the bus go to my campus)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: will_i_am on 13 May 2013, 12:21:13 AM
When I came to my class, the lecture already done and I was late.
Me (M) : Excuse me Ven, very sorry Im late.
Lecturer (L) : Why U late ?
M : No bus, Ven.
L : What ?? what U said ?? in our country no bus ?
M : Very sorry not like that, at that time no bus, because all buses said 'NO' to me
L : So, how come U can come here ?
M : I still get on the bus eventhough they said 'NO'
L : Oh I see, U R not Us.

(*** all the bus always shake their head when I asked whether the bus go to my campus)
:))
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 13 May 2013, 12:28:31 AM
:))

 ;D
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: morpheus on 13 May 2013, 11:09:36 AM
shasika cloningan siapa ya? :-?
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 14 May 2013, 11:44:49 AM
shasika cloningan siapa ya? :-?

kenapa bro ? merasa pernah kenal kah ?  ^-^
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sunyata on 14 May 2013, 12:18:04 PM
Sepertinya mirip seseorang...
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 14 May 2013, 12:39:14 PM
Sepertinya mirip seseorang...

siapakah itu bro ?
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Sunyata on 14 May 2013, 12:54:08 PM
siapakah itu bro ?
;D
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 14 May 2013, 12:56:07 PM
;D

 :whistle:
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: morpheus on 14 May 2013, 03:51:45 PM
kenapa bro ? merasa pernah kenal kah ?  ^-^
nenek.... srilanka.... sekolah....  :-?
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: will_i_am on 15 May 2013, 11:45:00 PM
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.

When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.'' Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?''

St. Peter replied, '' has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.'''
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: will_i_am on 16 May 2013, 01:17:04 PM
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

ralat yang kemarin:
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.

When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.'' Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?''

St. Peter replied, ''J***s has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.'''
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 17 May 2013, 10:39:38 AM
nenek.... srilanka.... sekolah....  :-?

 :whistle: ::)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 17 May 2013, 10:48:12 AM
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."


If in our country they said he still compose his symphony even he is died (as a ghost)  ;D
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: sanjiva on 17 May 2013, 01:42:38 PM
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

ralat yang kemarin:

Yang punya simfoni 1 sampai 9 bukannya Beethoven?   :-?

Penamaan simfony mozart lebih spesifik dan rinci bukan hanya nomor, sepertinya...  ::)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: will_i_am on 17 May 2013, 02:21:05 PM
Yang punya simfoni 1 sampai 9 bukannya Beethoven?   :-?

Penamaan simfony mozart lebih spesifik dan rinci bukan hanya nomor, sepertinya...  ::)
dapt dai wiki sih gini:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_compositions_by_Wolfgang_Amadeus_Mozart (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_compositions_by_Wolfgang_Amadeus_Mozart)
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 20 May 2013, 07:05:45 PM
Yang punya simfoni 1 sampai 9 bukannya Beethoven?   :-?

Penamaan simfony mozart lebih spesifik dan rinci bukan hanya nomor, sepertinya...  ::)

I remember about 'Symphony no.9' of Beethoven, cos of this music composed in the very impossible situation for Us, he was deaf already at that time, how come he could composed very beautiful music/orchestra, which still exizt till now.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: sanjiva on 20 May 2013, 11:08:59 PM
I remember about 'Symphony no.9' of Beethoven, cos of this music composed in the very impossible situation for Us, he was deaf already at that time, how come he could composed very beautiful music/orchestra, which still exizt till now.

Yup. He could heard all those notes in his brain.  What a music genius !
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 21 May 2013, 11:49:40 AM
Yup. He could heard all those notes in his brain.  What a music genius !

Sure bro, he was a genius one.
Title: Re: Some jokes in english
Post by: Shasika on 21 May 2013, 01:05:02 PM
3 persons debated :
Money (M) : I am the most important in the world, all people need me !
Ship (S) : No, U R not the most important, cos of no me then how U can living in the world ?
M : without me how people can life ? all in the world need money.
S : without me how U can survive Ur life ? U need Ship to go everywhere (by flight, ship, bus, etc), U need relationship, partnership, friendship, etc, to support Ur life which these can happen even without money.
Love (M) : All people need money, ship, etc for Ur life, but I am the most important in the world cos of ONLY me the world exist.