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Offline oddiezz

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #105 on: 27 November 2008, 08:24:56 AM »
The $10 Bill

Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Eulalia opened a letter from home and found a ten dollar bill inside.

As she read the letter she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below. Quickly she wrote, “Don’t despair, Sister Eulalia” on a piece of paper, wrapped the ten dollar bill in it and dropped it out the window.

The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day Sister Eulalia was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her. She went down and found the stranger from teh night before waiting. Without a word he handed her a roll of bills.

“What’s this?” she asked.

“That’s the 60 bucks you have coming. Don’t Despair won by a nose in the fifth and paid five to one.”.
Eschew Obfuscation! Espouse Elucidation!

Offline oddiezz

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #106 on: 27 November 2008, 09:13:02 AM »
Dead Dog

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that you’re dog is dead, too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.
Eschew Obfuscation! Espouse Elucidation!

Offline markosprawira

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #107 on: 02 December 2008, 01:46:05 PM »
From Ventriloquist Shanthakumar, Chennai


1. Vent: How's that you came first in a sports event but you were not
given a prize. Come on... tell me what is that event?
Johny, the doll: It was slow cycle race!

2. Vent: Do you sing well?
Johny: I got second prize in my class.
Vent: Very good... How many participated?
Johny: Only two!

3. Vent: Ok... Tell me whether the winner sang well...?
Johny: No... He did not sing at all!
Vent: Then, how they selected him as winner?
Johny: They heard my song... Immediately, they selected him as winner.

4. Vent: Well, did you sing any song in public?
Johny: Once I did.
Vent: Then what happened?
Johny: The Chief Guest came and gave me Rs.2000/-
Vent: Very good. So, you got Rs.2000/- for your singing?
Johny: No... Only to stop my singing!

5. Vent: Why did you put on a cloth screen on your computer?
Johny: Because it has got windows!

6. Vent: What is the difference between you and the computer?
Johny: Computer "copy" and then paste...
But I paste and then (take) cofee!

7. Vent: Why did you have such a big password--Rama Lakshmana Seetha
Kaikeyee Ravana Dasaratha?
Johny: You only said that I should have six characters!

8. Vent: Do you know Actor Kamal Haasan?
Johny: Yes... He acted with me in the movie "Avargal". He is
residing opposite to my house!
Vent: Where is your house?
Johny: Opposite to his house!
Vent: Ok baba... Where are both the houses?
Johny: Opposite to each other!

9. Vent: You know anything about Rajinikanth?
Johny: I know his wife's name...
Vent: I myself don't know. Ok... What is her name?
Johny: Mrs Rajinikanth!

10. Vent: You like Kamal Haasan or Vikram?
Johny: I like Kamal Haasan...
Vent: Why?
Johny: He is "Indian"!
Vent: What about Vikram?
Johny: He is "Annian"!
Vent: Director Shankar booked as the hero for his next movie. What
is the name of the movie?
Johny: "Saniyan!"

Offline mushroom_kick

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #108 on: 15 December 2008, 09:49:39 PM »
WHAT IS MARRIAGE a 30 point answer?

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffeRING.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.

19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.

25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lighs on.

26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
Segala fenomena bentuk & batin tidaklah kekal ada na.....
Semua hanyalah sementara.....

Offline markosprawira

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #109 on: 31 December 2008, 09:19:15 AM »
Extra-large condoms


A woman walked into a convenience store and asked the clerk if they sold extra-large condoms.

He replied, "Yes, we do. Would you like to buy some?"

"No," she said, "but do you mind if I wait here until someone does?"

Offline defact0r

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #110 on: 09 February 2009, 07:40:53 PM »
so where is the joker??
saya hanya pemula yg masih perlu banyak belajar
klo ada salah kata mohon di tegur dan dimaafkan
thanks

Offline Elin

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #111 on: 11 March 2009, 06:03:36 PM »
SURAT CINTA MBAK SUM                                                            
                                                                                 
Mbak Sum bermaksud memutuskan hubungan dengan kekasihnya bernama Robbie, seorang bule dari Amerika. Akan tetapi dia tak sanggup untuk bertemu muka dengan kekasihnya. Mak Sum menulis surat dengan berbekal pengetahuan bahasa Inggris & kamus tebal.

Isi suratnya sbb :                                                                                 
Hi Robbie, with this letter I want to give know you       
(hai Robbie, bersama surat ini saya ingin memberitahu kamu)

I WANT TO CUT CONNECTION US
(SAYA INGIN MEMUTUSKAN HUBUNGAN KITA)

I have think this very cook cook
(saya telah memikirkan hal ini masak masak)

I know my love only clap half hand
(saya tahu cinta saya hanya bertepuk sebelah tangan)

Correctly, I have see you go with a woman entertainment at town with my eyes and head myself
(sebenarnya, saya telah melihat kamu pergi bersama seorang wanita penghibur di kota dengan mata kepala saya sendiri)

You always ask apology back back times
(kamu selalu minta maaf berulang ulang kali)

You eyes drop tears crocodile
(matamu mencucurkan airmata buaya)

You correct correct a man crocodile land
(kamu benar-benar seorang lelaki buaya darat)

My Friend speak you play fire
(teman saya bilang kamu bermain api)

Now I know you correct correct play fire
(sekarang saya tahu kamu benar benar bermain api)

So, I break connection and pull body from love triangle this
(jadi, saya putuskan hubungan dan menarik diri dari cinta segitiga ini)

I know result I pick this very correct, because you love she very big from me
(saya tahu keputusan yang saya ambil ini benar, karena kamu mencintai dia lebih besar dari saya)

But I still will not go far far from here
(namun saya tetap tidak akan pergi jauh-jauh dari sini)

I don't want you play play with my liver
(saya tidak ingin kamu main-main dengan hati saya)

I have been crying night night until no more eye water thinking about your body
(saya menangis bermalam-malam sampai tidak ada lagi air mata memikirkan dirimu)

I don't want to sick my liver for two times
(saya tidak mau sakit hati untuk kedua kalinya)

Safe walk, Robbie
(selamat jalan, Robbie)

Girl friend of your liver
(kekasih hatimu)

Note:
this river I forgive you, next river I kill you !
(kali ini aku maafkan kamu, kali lain kubunuh kau !)


Semoga Semua Makhluk Berbahagia,
Elin

Offline Lex Chan

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #112 on: 18 March 2009, 10:17:09 AM »
Q: why six is afraid of seven?

A: Because 7 8 (ate) 9 ^-^
“Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway”
-Mother Teresa-

Offline Lex Chan

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #113 on: 18 March 2009, 10:42:45 AM »
Have A Drink

A badminton player and a tennis player get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are heavily damaged, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the badminton player spots the other's tennis gear and says, "So you're a tennis player, that's interesting. I'm a badminton player ... Gosh! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The tennis player replied: "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The badminton player continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the tennis player. The tennis layer nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big gulps from the bottle, then hands it back to the badminton player.

The badminton player takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the tennis player. The tennis player asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The badminton player replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police to turn up and sort this out ..."

GOTCHA.. =))
“Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway”
-Mother Teresa-

Offline Lex Chan

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #114 on: 19 March 2009, 07:52:45 AM »
Masculine or Feminine?


A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won. :o
“Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway”
-Mother Teresa-

Offline Indra

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Great Doctor
« Reply #115 on: 22 March 2009, 02:04:37 PM »
Love this DOCTOR!!!!

 

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

 

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? 

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.   

 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).

 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!   

 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.   

 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! 

 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening... . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?   

 

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.   

 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!   

 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.   

 

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

 A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! ! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

 
And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways

 
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!

 

Offline aitristina

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #116 on: 23 June 2009, 11:28:59 PM »
5 DON'TS when you are sleeping.
Posted by: "Wanda Natalia" wanda.natalia [at] yahoo.com   wanda.natalia
Sun Jun 21, 2009 9:00 pm (PDT)




1 - DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH
Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health.

2 - DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA
Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it.

3 - DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE
Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put your mo! bile phone near you, switch it off first.

4 - DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP
People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty in breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.

Lastly......

5 - DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE / HUSBAND
You may never wake up again. : )

>
Life is about living...

Offline Elin

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #117 on: 01 July 2009, 11:14:14 AM »
5 DON'TS when you are sleeping.

include some jokes in English? ???

Offline Elin

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #118 on: 01 July 2009, 11:24:37 AM »
Jet Li walked into a pub in New York with his pal.
He says to his pal: Hey! That's Steven Spielberg over there! God, I wish he'll come over to say hi.

Spielberg suddenly walked over and gave the man a punch on the nose.
Jet Li      : Hey!! What's that for?!
Spielberg : You bloody Japanese killed my granddad when you bombed Pearl Harbour!
Jet Li      : I'm not Japanese! I'm Chinese!
Spielberg : Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, you're all the same!

Spielberg walks back to the other side.
Then Jet Li calmly walks over to Spielberg and gives him a really heavy punch on the face.

Spielberg : Hey! Wha' that's for..... !?!
Jet Li      : YOU BLOODY *******! YOU SANK THE TITANIC!
Spielberg : No, I didn't, an iceberg sank the Titanic!
Jet Li      : Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you're all the same!

Offline Elin

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Re: Some jokes in english
« Reply #119 on: 01 July 2009, 11:27:38 AM »
A Man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No", replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouted back, "And do you know who you are talking to, you fool?"
"No.", replied the Managing Director.
"Good!", replied the trainee who quickly put down the phone!

 

anything